Through a freak of nature a wormhole materialized

  • Through a freak of nature a wormhole materialized just at exit point of the radioactive leak from the plant which connected to Rev. Jones bathtub.

  • Peter Jones, a radical believer through and through, couldn't explain such a miracle. But since he instantly got sucked into the gaping void, he didn't have time to think about it.

  • he awoke in a dimly lit room where he was repeatedly touched inappropriately by a priest resembling Ronald Raegan -- with English mustard covering both lips thickly.

  • "This is a really bad situation I've gotten myself in!" he thought. He would have yelled it, had it not been for the ball gag the mustard-lipped priest equipped him with.

  • The mustard-lipped priest must have been kissing the deli-mustard. It was grainy and vinegary. I wanted him to lick my roast beef sandwich to mustardize it, but the ball gag

  • understandably impeded the holy man's progress towards applying the appropriate amount of condiment to my hoagie. Luckily, I'd been trained in the jungles of eastern Kentucky and

  • that allowed me to produce my own hoagie from my sleeve. I sloshed a perfect cubic decimeter of mayonnaise on it. The holy man looked on in awe, his fragile ego waving in the wind.

  • Some cruel part of me wanted to tear it to shreds, but some fragile part of me waved back. The hoagie trick, the weird cube of mayo, somehow bonded the holy man and me

  • into an ever-simmering goulash of culinary magic tricks. I must have seen him saw the hoagie in half and juggle the pizza dough a million times. My brain hungered more than my gut.

  • My knife flashed out. He leaped back, just a little too late. I held up my prize; Alton Brown looked on in horror as the chef slid to the floor.I reign supreme, you bet your ass.



  1. CrazyBananas Sep 09 2012 @ 18:41

    Any story that works Alton Brown in it, is a winner in my book!!

  2. SlimWhitman Sep 10 2012 @ 02:42

    "Dueling Chefs" a gritty fry plan alley fight to the death with your utensil of choice.

  3. Zetawilk Sep 10 2012 @ 12:00

    I call the comically-oversized by deadly spatula! The opponent selects two slices of hard bread!

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