BREAKING NEWS: Cindy Shaffer just stepped

BREAKING NEWS: Cindy Shaffer just stepped out wearing pinstriped black pants, with a bright red top, and the absolute shocker was the chunky faux turquoise pendant around her neck.

The Exonerator recalibrated the Communications Beam. He'd wanted to listen in on the Aquatic Planet Dumaret, but accidentally got Earth. A planet he'd never heard of until now.

This is because Earth had never produced anything of galactic merit. The Exonerator sent Communications agents to Earth to revitalize the arts. They brought zorgophones and bongos

But Earthlings never got the knack of the timpanic rhythms of extragalactic communication. Infact one Earthling named George made a terrible faux pas on the zorgophone when he

played an improvised tune in the key of C, which is considered to be an insult by the extragalactic zorgophone-playing community. Some humans could play a passable melody, but none

demonstrated zorgophone mastery. The age-old "There's no tutorial on Youtube" excuse did not satisfy the other-worldly visitors. The communication breakdown brought

A record number of new students to the zorgophone masters. There were more musicians than ever playing this exotic instrument. Why, nobody understood. It is what it is, my mum said

as she practiced her zorgophone fingerings on a paper replica of the instrument. But I refused to play the zorgophone even when Mum gave me a silver one carved with roses. She was

always comparing me to the "Grand" Robert E. Lee Pruitt who it was assumed, for no good reason, to be the greatest zorgophone player in all the multiverse in all times forever and