The story of the man who could not bathe. Once

The story of the man who could not bathe. Once there was a man who could not bathe. It began when he was a child. The wet nurse

sloshed into his nursery one day & leaned over his crib, dripping water over him. She noticed the water didn't clean off the layer of greasy baby filth coating him. The wet nurse

was still a little wet behind the ears. She pulled his crib through the doorway, down the hall, into the washroom. The wet nurse scrubbed his tiny torso with a soft, soapy sponge.

The most innocent baby who had brought joy into everybody's heart

now sat alone in his house suicidally depressed in his late thirty's. His only friend now was Captain Morgan and Samuel Adams.

As he sat with his friends, he gripped the rope contemplating whether or not he should put his necklace on.

He did, and found out that the necklace had the power to turn you into a giant fire-breathing lizard. He promptly ate all his friends.

His closest friend gave him the most indigestion, so as the necklace's power faded he promptly gathered the remnants of his clothes and scurried to the drugstore on Third and Nine.

"Excuse me, which way to the Tums?" he breathlessly rehearsed outside of the automated doors, for this would become his opening line in every new town.