Hello, my name is Arnold.
- Hello, my name is Arnold.
- You might have seen me in "Green Acres" or "It's a Pig's Life" but that was years ago. Today, I am giving each and every one of you a chance at time-share styes in beautiful Iowa.
- I can see the signs now: Iowa, a nice place to visit. A fantastic place to eat slop. But it would need to be directed only at ungulates, or people might get the wrong idea.
- Of course ungulates don't read so the sign popularizing Iowa we need to be written in a language they could understand. I decided on pheromones. I got all these scent glands from
- fruit bats and decided on my own initiative to smear I LOVE IOWA in something I hoped resembled ungulate pheremone on a tree & waited with bated breath. Gradually a herd of cud-che
- wing Guernseys meandered over and got a good whiff of Iowa laced ungulate pheromone. They in turn release their mojo letting the bulls around know that they were open for business.
- "Yep, you certainly tell when the cows are hot," said Ferdinand the bull as he limped back to his barn, "but I think I've had enough for one day." Little did he know that Elsie was
- an adept of bovine kundalini. The blast she emitted through her nose ring caused upward of $23 billion in damage across five states. Mama Jaila had seen Elsie in a vision, though,
- in which she had seen Elsie run into a wall going 75 mph in a school zone. She was running, not driving, mind you. How did she achieve such speeds on those soft but also hard feet?
- Not that it mattered anymore, as Elsie was little more than a rapidly-fading memory now. The world would never know how close she was to achieving Warp Ten.
- Started
- 2013-08-13 20:36:10
- Finished
- 2020-03-13 03:23:38
3 Comments
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Woab Mar 14 2020 @ 15:37
This gem took almost seven years to squeeze out.
KieferSkunk May 15 2020 @ 14:47
Did a dramatic reading of this story here: https://voca.ro/8SDDLfThtxR
LordVacuity May 16 2020 @ 01:17
You've beat the Millenium Falcon's Kessel Run record with this KS.