As the smashed computer in front of me

As the smashed computer in front of me

began to move and create legs out of the various parts strewn about its ruined body,

got, got down. 9-1-1 was a joke in my town.

That was, until the Mustard Demon broke into my house. Who was I gonna call, Ghostbusters? No. Today was the Sabbath, and they were a God-fearing bunch. So I grabbed a spork and

muttered the secret incantation known only to the monks of my order. The only one who could dispel the Mustard Demon was - B'chugerroth, He Who Walks Where No Mortal May Tread.

But to summon B'chugerroth, a source of amazing power given as an offering of sacrifice is also needed. I knew I needed to find someone with an intolerably cheerful personality.

And so we hatched the plan to kidnap Regis and Kathy. Maybe we'd watched too many caper flicks. I can see that now, but at the time, it all seemed so solid. The Old Ones would be

no longer able to enjoy their daytime shows. The spawn of Cthulhu would instead be forced to watch Ellen. Suddenly, he discoved that Regis' cohost was Kelly. Kidnapping would be

an option if Regis wasn't a screamer.Bullshit!He knew he could do something far better with his time other than plotting against the elderly...but it was so much fun!