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it had dried sweat and vomit all over it from years of visitors. I hoped it would contain vomit from my long-lost husband. From it, we could extract his DNA and clone my beloved -
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and Professor Plum moved his pawn around the board. "Jumanji!" screamed Miss Scarlett. The walls turned into trees, the candlestick turned into an ostrich, and the noose became a
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Nurse Stacy pressed backspace, deleting the words. "Doctor," she asked inquisitively, "Where do the letters go when you erase them?" She peered into the floppy disk slot, searching
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people from bribing him in front of others, so they hid behind a sleeping elephant and whispered. "I'll give you a banana boat in exchange for a jetpack." Nkima was very intruiged.
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if he wanted to win the car. Frustrated, he had no idea how to play the gallows. He tried strumming the noose, but it made little sound. "Put it around your neck!" whispered his
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I would love to sit down with them at the dinner table… The table neatly made, a big, plump burrito on each plate. I haven't had a burrito for weeks , and it makes me want to kill
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he finally asked her to please stop it. He wasn't very assertive, and he had a long fuse, so to speak, before he ever got angry. But the twentieth staple through the hand was too
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belonged to someone else in part, a bit more to somebody even higher, and so on. Her soul was part of the pyramid scheme, and she wouldn't get a return on it unless she recruited
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quesadillas!" he grinned widely—so wide that you could see it all only on the widescreen HD broadcast. "Let's get some tortillas out… and some shredded cheese… and microwave!"
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let alone how to program the time on a VCR. "I want to move away," he said, "to a country where they can perform simple calculus without breaking down and crying." He would move to
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prevent him from leaving the restaurant unless he ordered dessert. "I'll pay the bill now," he said, but the wait staff surrounded him, crossing their arms. "You aren't going
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She didn't get to her car at the curb before Jim burst from the house. His face was beet red, and he shouted at the top of his lungs, "I'm going to find out who the father is and
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"Use a bomb," suggested Timmy, the four-year-old boy who was always hanging around for some reason. Then, Timmy pulled out a huge bomb! He lit it and it exploded instantly, killing
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She took him to her bed, laid him down, laid herself down near him, brought her face next to his, then brought her lips near his ear, and she silently whispered, "Lady Gaga sucks."
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have made it even more disgusting. For months, cigarette manufacturers had been advertising free cigarettes—it was horrible for business but got many more people addicted to their
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vampires and began panicking in Spanish. They picked up the wood planks which best resembled stakes and began driving them through the vampires' hearts. Other vampires woke up and
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In order to parody them (which may have been a bad idea), we painted our entire bodies blue. We then performed naked on the stage, except for silly white Smurf hats on our heads.
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was when these calluses really came in handy. She grabbed the burglar and began slapping his face. Her rock-hard palms instantly bruised his face and made all his teeth fly out.
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Erethay isay onay away ouyay ancay ecipherday isthay!" Fortunately for Junior, Pig Latin wasn't really much of a secret language anymore. But then the message degraded into obscure
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at about 80 miles per hour. The baby giggled and cooed at the curious sensation. Ploopio, the three-headed teddy bear, wanted to save the baby, but his heads argued about how to