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I hate the summer olympics. The sound of the starting gun always sends me into a hyperventilating state of panic. You see, I was a High School cross country runner. No one could -
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into the claws of Felix, an obese feline. The last thing I saw was the look of shock on Felix's face at having actually caught something. At least my death was charitable.
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local library. Kids loved him, but he got all kinds of dirty looks from parents. As soon as they heard Mother Bruce's tales of talking pickles and unicorns, they assumed that
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do. Suddenly, a scraping noise, like metal on metal, the kind that made us all flinch, emanated from downstairs. The basement. I checked the clock. 11:11.
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The police station to report the filthy girl lying on the side of the sidewalk in a drunken stupor. But before the bus arrived at its destination, it was forced to stop for a
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Rocky opens his sleepy little eyes, and blinks at me. Twice. In those two little blinks, my heart melts. I feel human again. Human with a pet rock. My heart stops when Rocky says
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"I'm sorry," I told the hipsters sincerely, "I'm not a huge fan of that stuff. Tastes sort of musty. Like it's been sitting around for a while." The black clad girls glanced at one
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I made my escape on Wednesday: Grocery day. The human called "Marge" or occasionally "mommy" left the front door open as she went to unload the car. Inconspicuously, I slipped out
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"Que tu es un casse couille!" She was 4'11", sandy blond. "You're so sexy when you speak french," I murmured. Actually, French was her first and only language. And I was pretty sur
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but her face was lit with a triumphant grin that stretched from ear to ear. "You look like a cheshire cat" I jested, "Like the cat that ate the canary." She scowled. "Don't ever
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"I'm sorry," I said to the actor. "I don't even know what your name is? And I'm really sorry, but you don't look anything like your picture on the Match.com." The actor looked
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Wallace was the first to head back to the tractor, as Gromit remained to flirt with the Queen. Wallace returned momentarily "Err... Gromit. Could I have a word with you, old pal?"
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I'll tell you of my secret, of why I hate dum-dums. It started way back when I grew up in the slums. I licked that lolly and my tongue just wound up numb.
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, it was the nurse, Candy. "Sue-Anne! You forgot to take your medication again, you naughty girl. Come with me now, love. Maybe we can get you some ice cream as well."
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I swallowed down the pride and angst that rose like bile in my throat, and knelt before the cross. I wasn't religious, and part of me felt that I never would be, but I had lost so
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a tall green creature with one long eye which stretched vertically in a thin line above the body of the... What the hell was it? An Alien? I knew I had to get back to my space ship
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There is one thing I know for sure about myself: I don't know how to write a college essay. I can ride a horse while standing up and juggling, I can paint a better painting than
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gently placed the gas mask over Squawkers beak. Mad scientist that he was, he cackled the entire time, laughing about how traumatized the University of Oregon Ducks would be if
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It was this gang culture which enamored and eventually corrupted Eva Littleton, a chubby cheeked blonde with thunder thighs. She was only 18 months old. Now, at the wizened age of
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you don't feel too tempted to take a bite. You see, I've been growing it since I first hit puberty. In my culture, it's a mark of your manhood, how long a man can get his beard to