So here it is 7:48 in the morning. I just

So here it is 7:48 in the morning. I just took a swig of oj and apparently my fridge broke last night. It was hot and tasted like sweaty ass. Geez I wonder what the rest of the day

means to people who aren't as awesome as me. I poured the "rancid" oj over some pork butt because I wanted to do a little nude barbecuing later. I toggled my beer gut with

panache and dropped trou. I was whistling cheerily while I worked and the coals were almost ready for the pork. Freakin A this was gonna be good! When I flipped the pork butt my

my prize meat so I grabbed it off the fire and held it just long enough to set my apron and shirt sleeves on fire. Thinking quick I grabbed the BBQ sauce and doused my flaming

apron with canola oil. It caused the flame to grow, and the fire spread to my shoes, so I stopped, dropped, and rolled. Unfortunately, all it did was cause the ground to catch fire

around me. I began to panic. The flames leaped higher and it became difficult to breathe. I backed into a corner and began to pray to the might God Poseidon. he who would release

the great white shark onto the swimming pool of a 5 star manhattan hotel, could he ever help me through this?

The shark swam after me with such great speed, I thought it was genetically modified! I quickly...

whipped out my portable shark DNA testing equipment, sliced a sample from its tail and proceeded to test. Sadly, the shark finished me off before I could get the results.