I looked over my shoulder to see where the

I looked over my shoulder to see where the noise, a deep throaty chuckle, came from. "Blurh," The chuckle came again. He was getting closer... Elmo. He was coming.

"Ah ha ha! Hah hah!" He laughed evilly as he waddled toward me with a bloody machete. "Tickle-Me-Elmo is going to KILL YOU!" He giggled manically. As he stepped over Barbie dolls

and their dismembered extremities, he slipped and fell on his side. "Oh dear, help me up, please." There was no way I was helping homicidal Elmo. I picked up its bloody machete.

The machete had writing smeared into the bloody streaks: "Elmo's World". I turned around, he was gone. I quickly turned off the TV, hoping no more muppets entered into my room.

They say that nothing is stronger than my love except everything else and I believed them. So I was not surprised at all when Animal entered my Army tent unannounced bearing a pink

dildo. It was used but only to fish out old socks from the dryer vortex where the missing sock goes. He claimed it had magical powers and I would need ti to open

mystical gateways that led to the most wonderful, marvelous delights ever known to man. I always knew he was full of it and I started to say so. Just then it started glowing

And everything appeared upside down. I was very disoriented the rest of the day. The grammophone played Ravi Shankar which sent me into a trance. It made for an interesting

7 or 8 hours until lethargy set in and I fell asleep in the Temperance fountain on Indiana Avenue. When I awoke, a second grade class was standing there staring at me while the

FBI'S top forensic team tried to extricate me from a pile of bodies that used to be a quartet of Leprechaun cobblers. Each of their eyes had been replaced by bright shoe buckles.