Behold!

Behold!

My discovery! Take any element of the periodic table and add the suffix "-poisoning" and you'll probably find someone who has died from it. For this discovery, I'll undoubtedly

win the Ig Nobel prize. I rushed to the computer to nominate myself for the prize. Only to find, to my dismay, that the computer

had a virus that caused it to email my home-made porn instead of my Nobel Prize nomination. Surprisingly, I won, coming first in the category of coming first.

But after noticing that every single one of my awards were shaped after embarrassing objects, I decided to move on to something less

suited to innuendo and gutter mindedness. My therapist would be so happy, I was ignoring phallic symbols and other things. My GutterMind Syndrome was getting better, I thought. Pen

s and pencils, however, still caused me to spontaneously shout "Cock" and "Prick" at the sight of them followed by deep, uncontrollable bouts of laughter. I hadn't been cured comp

Letely of the sinus infection, so my cough must have scared them. Pope Pius XI was out taking a walk when the legless pigeon found him. He blessed it and me too, simultaneously.

I was pissed by this 2-for-1 business & was about to tell the Pope where to go but he smiled upon us so beatifically that I built a little wheelchair for the pigeon, who flew away.