Never mind that Sharks have five rows of

Never mind that Sharks have five rows of continuously growing teeth, the Sheik wanted the front tooth of his prize Great White repaired so he called Michael Rutzen, shark-whisperer

, who had a rather unique way of whispering to sharks. He would pretend to be a seal, and when the shark got close enough he'd punch it's lights out. And so he repaired its tooth

because he felt bad for hitting the shark. Admiring his work on the tooth, he smiled and whispered,

That's another one to add to my collection. Only a few more now, and I'll have the most shark teeth in the world!

STOP IT! My brother cried. Why do you always have to be so grandiose?

And i was like ALL HEEEELLLLLAAA NAW YOU DIDN"T JUST CALL ME GRANDIOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IMMA

TYPE OV TROLL DAT USES ALLCAPS! I posted my comment and smiled to myself. I felt that my eloquent diatribe, what it lacked in intellectual congruency made up in unbridled passion.

The response blew my mind. About one or two minutes later, comments flooded my facebook wall and several of my collegues and even Aunt Marsha de-friended me. Can't anyone take a

number and wait in line at the deli anymore? All these ethnic old ladies act like they don't understand how it works. I grabbed one by the mustache and said

"Nice, firm but still soft, and appears timid in this lighting... you're mustache is perfect!" I said. So I took her home, said I'de be with her forever (lie), did it, and left.