"How did this happen, exactly?" "I'm not sure, doctor. One minute the candy cane was in my hand, and the next thing I knew, it was stuck in my

He was filling out Christmas cards. One to Phil. Another to Aunt Gloria. He scribbled the usual crap. But when he read what he wrote he saw a confession for murder. For multiple

He asked her to do it. His tone was conciliatory. His face sympathetic. But his request for this particular kind of human perversion was very far past any normal favor. He

Kopi Luak or 'civet coffee! I'll just bet a bunch of natives were sitting around half drunk and one of them said I'll bet you we could get the whities to drink Civet shit and pay

Belated birthdays were his way of saying that he liked you, but passive aggressively wasn't really interested in carrying the friendship forward to the next birthday. Also, farting

When the snow turns into spring, there is usually joy and elation all around. But on this day

He blasted outside. He was shirtless with his sweats stuffed into gortex work boots. He had a fur hat on. He yelled for his son. Lunch was on and he was serving moose stew

He batted his long lashes, subtly plucked the thong out of his behind and began a sultry, whiskey-voiced rendition of "Sweet Transvestite"

Once upon a time, there

'Invalid response' my ass! It's my phone, and I'll answer it any way I like, or not at all if I so choose. I'm sick & tired of these nuisance calls from scammers trying to get your

Supersalycalidisiousexpealidosous. Just because a horses ass is something quite enormous. Supersalycalidisiousexpealidosous. I know her ass is just as big, butt I adore it

The wet cold asphalt was the same color as the sky that drooled on my mood. "Cheer Up!" the damn Dr. had said. How can anyone Cheer Up in the Pacific North West. When it wasn't

"Are you kidding? The shoes that look like hobbit feet were bad enough, but this! You've no idea what fires you are playing with" Jackson was furious, but the merchandising people

The early spring had caused everything to come up too fast and blossom all stunted and misshapen. The buds simply didn't have time to form before bursting open. "Quasimodo" came to

Before I could stop myself, I jumped over and hugged him, then jerked back and bounced on my heels. He looked amused and flustered at the same time. Surprised and elated, he put

My mother was a ballerina, and she was Going Places, but then I was born and she realized her true passion lay in making tiny origami statues.

On the first day of Xmas my true love gave to me...

That was when I dared Jimmy to eat 25 slim jims in one sitting. He declined and I double dog dared him. He caved and by the time he got to the 15th one he was beginning to look

I couldn't make up my mind who I wanted to be: the bound woman, the withered lover, the angry princess, or the dire mother. To be a truly great serial killer, you must have a name

She was a hefty aunt who went to too much therapy. She worked out by walking and kept her energy up with Tiger's Milk Bars. So when the people showed up she had only