"Big Willy, get down from there! You could die!" "I'm all right, Momma!" But Big Willy wasn't all right.

They call me Dirk and I call them bastards. All of them. If hate was metal, they'd be in chains right now. My thoughts alone could boil the flesh off their bones.

We didn't think that replacing the shutters on our house would open a portal to the nether realm.

It seemed innocent enough, just type a few words on the fly. A random thought about the day. But who is monitoring these thoughts? Who keeps a file in Washington?

"With fire magic, the latin-y words don't make you catch fire; rather, magic shifts our timeline to one in which you'd happen to catch fire via other means. So you see, Your Honor,

"I ran so far away." He repeats to me quietly. "But where?" I once again inquire. He chuckles. "There." He points far behind me. "And dear, would you believe how glad I am?" I sigh

From my mind, through my fingers, into the CPU via keyboard, across the internet, into your CPU, onto your screen, read by your eyes, and into your mind, comes

King "Buddy" Tut admired the handiwork of his people: the stately cheesecake pyramid he had decreed, with a border of palm fronds and candy crocs. But cheesecake fundamentalists de

"Tea, Earl Grey, hot" Something whirred and clicked within the replicator and a fate scent of elderberries filled the room. A bowl of plomeek soup appeared, the ten raktajinos in

I have all the Elton John life-size collectable "living dolls" from the Tyrell Corporation. My favorite is Tiny Dancer - she's SO tiny, only comes up to my knee, and holds me

Please place towel on the floor if you need a new one. As a small step to saving the environment, we suggest you use your champagne chiller as a penis beaker. -The Hotel Staff.

Skaggs had a nasty way of snapping the spine out of his pickled mackerel before consuming it that made Tom uneasy so he hid in an apple barrel in the Galley when Skaggs & Hook ente

"Hot damn boy, you could sell ice to Eskimos!" cackled Grandpa as I handed him the money. Three long weeks I'd spent putting that deal together and now it seemed

It is said that Picasso, with his last breath, whispered, "Modigliani." Likewise would SlimWhitman expire, issuing the name of his mortal fold nemesis. "MoralEnd..."

I was at an avant garde concert. It was super quiet & then BANGBANGBANG!! a helluva noise. The 6 month foetus in my womb starjumped into my lungs. Would that permanently affect it?

Archer, Alice Alexis Ann, aimed an arrow at adolescent actress and amazing acrobat, Amy Allybob Absalom. But Billy Baxter Buttercup, brilliant brave boyfriend blocked

People say to me: "Oi, you, yes you, just shut up & listen. Look sit down, I said LISTEN! OK, how do you get your ideas for your folds?" I say: "I listen to the voices in my head

I listened to it again. "Rickety ... tickety ... bumlickety ... fu shnickety?" Near as I could figure Fu-Schnickens rickshaw had been ticketed outside of an anal enthusiast's estab

List of the stupidest Superheros ever invented: 1) Captain Carbuncle, able to cause unsightly boils to appear on his oponents face, secret ability: cures warts 2) Matter Eater Lad,

In the back of the Sports Memorabilia shop, sat a boxed set of Expert Edition Dungeons and Dragons published in 1981. Inside, was a cribbed notebook of the Necronomicon.