"Yeah, he may not own a suite but he makes a good pina colada" the exec joked at my expense. Then a pineapple walked in and crushed him. His wife screamed. The alien turned to her.

His vision rage red, Max Jones plowed through the other shoppers in a berserk frenzy. "MINE!!!" The next moment, he awoke strapped to a table in a secret Army facility. "Congratula

My wife left me because of my wandering eyes. I couldn't blame her. I sighed and switched on my sonar before I got out of bed. It sounded like they were in the kitchen cabinets ag

In this universe, Patrick ate a piece of toast, pecked his wife on the neck, and took the train. In the other, Patrog tore a leg of boar, stole the bar wench, and fled the carnage.

"Smell's funny." "It's offal." What's that?" "Sheep organs." "That's gross." "It's eat's". "No thanks." "Just try." "You first". "I'm hurt." "One bite?." "Aw, love."

Apparently they're not making Twinkies any more. Well, you might as well just tell me the world's coming to an end because I don't want any part of a post-Twinkie life.

At what age is one expected to start buying Christmas presents? I hated it when I was growing up. When I was 14 I bought my cousin Cindy (she was hot!) a pair of

Today is 21st of December 2012; the day Mayans predicted would be the last of the planet. Although most of us show disbelief there are some who

Petunia practiced en pointe on her trunk - her pink tutu like upsidedown tulip petals. All the other young elephants laughed. But she had ambition.

The end of the world hadn't come, Jimmy looked at his watch, then at the other people waiting for the Mayan spaceship, or was it the Annunaki? He couln't remember, he felt betrayed

"What is wrong with Putin?" thought Father Tikhon of Zadonsk. "Should I send him an egg for the New Year? Yes, all things considered, perhaps I should." And so it was that

The Magister Ludi tutted. "This is not the Glass Bead Game -- this is some kind of paintball that involves people splattering each other with references and dare I say apothegms!"

It all started with a fight on New Year's Eve.

I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling, and as the fragments of my skull begin to fall, fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts. And we'll fly home.

I bit into the king cake and cracked my front tooth on the plastic baby. It didn't matter, cause now I was gonna have good luck the rest of my life. Wiping the purple sugar from my

Squawkers flew up to the stage to receive the Tony Award for Best Actor for his role as Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman. This was the first time any parakeet had ever received

I couldn't sleep after going clubbing so I watched Baptazia videos on YouTube until my face hurt from laughing. One day I hoped to star in a YouTube video. My fame would be eternal

Renee walked away from me and I was never so glad. Now I could get on with my life. Getting out of my relationship (if that's what you'd call it) with Renee took some doing, but

The internet trolls are under your bed, in your closet, and in your head.

Becca snuck into her ex's house every night, only stealing what she could fit in her bindle. Tonight, she sought his heirloom: the remote control. Stealth ops were required because