Squawkers flew up to the stage to receive

Squawkers flew up to the stage to receive the Tony Award for Best Actor for his role as Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman. This was the first time any parakeet had ever received

such an honor, and hoping to trump the Oscar given to Disney for Snow White, they made the Tony from gold-plated cuttlebone and spelled Squawker's name out in birdseed. A tear

of joy ran down Jimminy Fastersnatch's bionic cheek. The moisture stung his electric cheek a little, but it was welcome pain. To see his aviary lover win such an illustrious award

made his biomechanical brain fizzle and spark, awash in dopamine, oxytocin and motor-oil. "The winner for Chicken Concubine Owner of the year goes to Jimminy Fastersnatch!", boomed

Jimminy Fastersnatch, crying hysterically as he swigged noradrenaline from a flask and swiped helplessly with his trembling fists as his feathered hareem descended and began to pec

k at his pickled pepper. The adrenaline rush was to no avail. He found himself tied to his 4-poster. The top hen Lydia Paradise delighted tormenting the likes of Jimy Fastersnatch.

But Jimy Fastersnatch wasn't going to be outsmarted by no hen - even a hen as gorgeous as Lydia Paradise. "Hey, Lydia," he cooed, "peck at the ropes, they're made of worms!" He bou

nded up the stairs two at time just to be the first at the top. He was always a competitive jerk. Lydia had an ace up her sleeve though. She pushed Jimy Fastersnatch off the balcon

y, into the pool below. "Ha ha you sucker! How's your suede jumpsuit now Jimy!" Lydia Girthenshank raised her arms above her head in victory, accidentally causing her dress to fall

over her skinny hips. She was so ugly, Jimy went blind & never did get his suede jumpsuit back. Lydia Girthenshank ran willy nilly into the sunset, naked, mad, & forever bitter.