All meinen Schmerz ertränke ich in Küssen. All mein Geheimnis trag ich wie ein Kind. Ich bin ein Blatt, zu früh vom Baum gerissen. Ob alle Liebenden so einsam sind?

My "wife" was outside hanging the "laundry" so I decided to take a quick trip to the "store". Upon arriving, I noticed I'd forgotten my "wallet" so I had to call a "friend" to see

"Today on Mythbusters: We team up with the Ghostbusters to see if Ghosts really do exist! And Adam eats Marshmallows. Lots of Marshmalows.

tim wants the d in his mouth all night long oh yeah give it to me

Coach Goatham was standing in the change room doorway when he said "Has anyone seen my ball sack?" The teenage boys erupted into fits of laughter. Coach Goatham became upset

The high barbed wire fence and menacing guard towers belied the truth hidden behind the Police Barracks. The corps had disco fever. The chief wore a headdress and

"A platypus in a fedora. Right here on the floora. Where's Dora? Have the Senora clean up this plethora of

He was handsome, a banker type, touch of grey at the temples, just my type. We made eye contact and I smiled. He fletched his teeth. Ughh braces, with food particles. My fetish

Contenders for male of the century: guy that invented body paint, guy that convinced chicks that yoga/strechy pants/leggings are fine in public, guy that sends the VS catalog, guy

Once there was a man. No ordinary man, but a man's man by the name of Steve McManaman. Steve teamed up with Alpha Male and went on a tirade against the pussification of America.

As I observe Dan, my dachshund, I realize I am just like him. I know I shouldn't chew on Suzy's red Manolo Blahniks, but my instincts have proven otherwise. I'm a baaaaad doggy.

"Summertime...and the livin' is eeeazzy. Fish are jumpin' and the cotton is higheee..." Oh boy. There goes Porgy singin' in the shower again. Bess clapped her hands over her ears.

"Try it!" I will try it, asshole, as soon as the smoke from whatever you're burning empties from my lungs. You've got enough incense burning to choke out the dank weed smell, and

Captain Jack Sparrow said, "My name is Jack and I'm an alcoholic."

He gurgled, he growled. He huffed and he squinted. The ground rolled and the dust lit gloom hovered. The praying mantis lifted his cataract coated goggles and peered into the dist

One hot summer night, while I was sucking down chili dogs outside the Tastee Freeze, I noticed that the dude sitting on the hood of the car next to mine looked exactly like Elvis.

Last thing I remember was that I was just sitting there at a red light, minding my own beeswax. In retrospect, I guess I should have noticed something was wrong when Skittles

Fresh out of the shower, I admired my girth in the foggy mirror. Middle age had made me fat with rolls of flesh and the kind of rippled cellulite flesh I used to make fun of when I

Somehow, I'm the one who gets cornered into explaining to a 70-year-old lady what the term "donkey punch" means (she asked). Then, everyone is pissed because I told her the truth.

I'm so confused about all this sexuality talk. When we were kids it was simple, you put on the fake raccoon mascot head, hide out in the bushes and try to find someone else in a