"I said 'Sixteen metric tonnes of quadrotriticale', you moron" slurred the Vulcan into the communicator. "And I better get it tomorrow, or I'm introducing a Tribble to your

It was Loan Shark Week on CNBC and all the anchors were replaced by thugs. Tony the Pony (yes, yes) was interviewing a victim of check cashing services. "50% interest, that's not

"Stardate Now. We have engaged the Directionless Drive. Set a course, Ensign Prow." "But Captain, we're already here." Ensign Tarekwa played along, but her mission from Section 31

It's the night before Christmas and all trough the house Granny farts tweet like the tinniest mouse. Granny waddles along on her way nowhere she lost glasses and can't find her

Mme Vertaigne stubbed out her cigarette in her mummified husband's palm. She exhaled the last of her grief and left the shed. Time to call the coroner. The autumn

Sometimes when I brush my teeth I think I can hear the cavities die. I can hear their wails and screams as the listerine incinerates them. I feel sorry for them. That's why I

The heart of a house is really in the backyard. Inside, it's just a lot of pissing in bowls, cushioned sleeping, and slow-cooking flesh. But in the backyard, there's truth.

As I drew my last breath, Images of the horrors I had created, of the lies and deceit I had inflicted upon innocent people, flooded my mind. I had been a news anchorman for over 40

Swollen tropical raindrops fell from Bozo's eyes onto the pavement as he was thrown to the ground and cuffed. His wig was askew, makeup smeared, but from the wet splatters arose

Their giggling was maddening. He didn't know how much more he could take. Like irregular clockwork, their choked laughter disrupted the rhythm of his otherwise very well planned da

I think I write about food a bit too much.

Daddo, Jimmy told me thaa-aat Sss-aanta (gulp) iisn't for ree-eal. Tu-tell hu-him, Dadd-o... tttu-tell him th-hat's nuh-not tu-TRUE!

The corner of her mouth curves up slightly as she slides her hand over mine. Her hand is warm. My skin tingles where she touches me, sending shivers up my spine and warmth

It was only yesterday that the sky erupted, but it felt like years. Looking up I knew that time itself may be about to end, but I also knew that I had had a hand in it. You see, I

I love transformers! They call me Lockdown. Once you see my face you know its the end.

She was fat, old and smoking. Perched on her dias, which was her 2nd floor balcony. Every morning, a 30 oz bloody mary stirred with a chopstick was breakfast. She insulted any

Garth never like Jimi Hendrix. Honestly. He knew Hendrix's guitar skills were really good. But he had never drove around listening to Hendrix. He listened mostly out of fear that

"How dare you disrespect cow folk! We are among the most intelligent members of the ungulate family." "Cudchewers farts is messing up the weather. I hear a bald monkey say so."

"Why did you pick that color?" she sighed. "It's gun metal" I said. "The color of guns and metal. It's kind of manly..." I explained. "I wanted a white wedding dress" she sobbed

"Don't scream!" He shouted as he pressed the gun up to her head. "It hurts you more than it hurts me." He laid on top of her and proceeded with his dirty deed. She continued to cry