Sometimes when I brush my teeth I think I

Sometimes when I brush my teeth I think I can hear the cavities die. I can hear their wails and screams as the listerine incinerates them. I feel sorry for them. That's why I

turned my top row of teeth into a cavity reservation. But the cavities made so much money from casinos that they expanded to my bottom row. I wanted fillings, but cavity activists

had firebombed the only local reputable dentist. I had heard horror stories of cavity searches taking excruciatingly long at Dr. Payne's office so I consigned myself to make

sure to seal all cavities in my body with Mighty Putty. Dr. Payne smiled patronizingly. He patted the table. "Ready for your cavity search?' My stomach was cramping, but I sat

arized the entire episode for my one-man show, "Cavity Search", which was kind of like a combination of "Vagina Monologues" with a serious look at TSA abuses. Mighty Putty

secured the finances, so every three minutes of dialogue in the play had to include an advertisement for Mighty Putty. It was a cruel irony to the art theater, but it was justice.

Unfortunately, the actors had mistaken Mighty Putty for chocolate pudding. They were higher than Patrick's dad on the 4th of July, and I ain't talking about the trapeze.

The Power of Mighty Putty™ mended their trachea and esophagus shut, and they all died. The show was cancelled, and Vince had to work on a new show. Then he came up with Breaking

Miley Cyrus' Career, a reality series, but she blew it after one episode. Finally Vince created a winner of a show...kinda like "Truth or Dare" meets "Honey Badger." He called it

"Downton Abbey" and the rest, as you know, is so famous & steeped in TV lore that I don't need to relate it here. I wouldn't insult your intelligence!