I'm hungry for bacon. Give me some. Right now.

So, to summarize, you say you want me to come up with a whole new advertising campaign for your proctology practice, right? OK, I think I can do that. I already have several ideas

When Angela traveled all the way to Ukraine for her knee operation, she had no idea that both her patellas would be replaced by equal sized spheres of critically enriched uranium.

This is a death sentence.

I could see the peach fuzz on her

They whispered "We hold as self-evident, that all humans are created equal, endowed with unalienable rights, among these are life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness." A drone flew

As he approached the center of the field, he couldn't help but think about his impending doom. He glanced down at the package in his hand. It wouldn't save him. Why bother with it?

I kept running. My breaths were ragged as I continued to dodge trees and jump over fallen objects. There was a thunderous sound behind me, gradually getting closer. I forced myself

Sophia asked why. A lot. When she was a child her parents put it off as a charming phase she was going through and tried their best to answer her questions with more questions, but

The other day my cat and I took a walk!

There's something most people don't understand about being a zombie. You're not hungry for brains. Not really. What you really crave is

The slow motion aliens have finally landed. Everything in the world slowed down to a crawl. "It is to teach the human race patience & to learn to take time to smell the roses," the

"But sometimes, sometimes I dare to look him in the eye. Straight. He's like at the end of the bed and stuff. Just, panting. And I look in Fido's eye and I see a killer lurking in

...Join and be an Army of One!" I was swayed by the recruitment poster and signed up. Little did I know it was the Swiss Army where they do things differently...

I may only be an imaginary friend, but I'll be damned if Mr. Monty Buffit is going to be Forgotten like the rest of those poor made-up bastards! I'll be sure the boy never forgets

Finn and Jake decided to go on an adventure

Uh, I only have time to do just this one fold, so could you please hurry up and make it a good one? That'd be great, thanks.

"Alright, who was the nimrod who ground down a mascara pencil in my automatic pencil sharpener!" The office was silent but all eyes fell on

Hesitating, ashamed, frightened even - Tracy took a deep breath and entered her question into the terminal. "Will my addiction to avocadoes", she typed, "make me fat?". AVOCADOS, b

George Washington was a general in the Revolutionary War and later became the first U.S president.