"But sometimes, sometimes I dare to look

"But sometimes, sometimes I dare to look him in the eye. Straight. He's like at the end of the bed and stuff. Just, panting. And I look in Fido's eye and I see a killer lurking in

the reflection, brandishing a cleaver. So I pick up Fido and throw him back over my shoulder. Don't be upset, kids. He pooped on the couch all the time. Not any more."

Grimly, as I walked out of the house I threw away the cleaver. I sat Fido down on the ground gently and began to dig a grave. Then I heard something, a noise coming from Fido.

"grrrr...." he murmered...."brains....." What? I hadn't even been able to teach him to speak when he was alive, and now this? Soon, Fido's grumblings turned to roars and his

smelly doggy farts were the stuff of legend. If only Fido could have lived a few more years we would have had enough time to copy the scent and create a perfume. We would've called

it "Fido's Bitchin' Scent" & become rich, but there was a terrible accident when Jed hooked up the gas chromatograph to Fido's sphincter. Fido had secretly eaten a monster burrito

&, well, without going into explosive detail, let's just say that within moments of Fido's consumption of the monster burrito, hundreds of bitches were crawling all over him. Jed

watched them wistfully. Jed realized that Fido was the alpha male, but Jed hoped that someday he could be top dog himself, with wild female dogs waiting on him paw and foot.

So Jed faux mated with Fido to establish his dominance. But Fido took it the wrong way & started leaving tearful voicemails on Jed's mobile. The female dogs took Fido's side. "How

now brown cow?" they taunted mercilessly. Jed's ego was crushed. The yipping taunt brought back terrible childhood memories of Jed's life on the family farm and his 3 legged mom.