This story I am about to tell you is not funny, so don't laugh when you read it. No matter how bizarre or unrealistic the details may seem, I assure you it is absolutely true.

"Your tragic fate is looking so cold." Resonated with her everytime she went to a graveyard or a battle ground, and I have another song in my head that goes with this.

"Bienvenue à la maison de passe" said the smokin' hot French woman with noticeably large tits.

It started in a small town in Wisconsin- the dread Samsa virus, named after patient zero, a dairy farmer who woke one morning to find he was a

My kitty, Ted, is the biggest badass cat in the world. He weighs 21 pounds and wakes me up each morning by sitting on my face each morning until I can't breathe.

"I don't see where...oh, here it is." Dr. Crane paused.The doctor looked again at the chart, then at the stitches across Ralph's scalp, then at Nurse Nancy. "Are you sure?"

I ordered a lobster soufflé. It was the Pompidou Center of soufflé's, served with a lobster cracker. Such a carapacious soufflé. Francois would receive a bad food review I decided

The French have no idea of how to design anything practical. The hydraulic suspension on my Citroën was leaking again but I loved the car. I called it the Hatchback of Notre Dame

They set off at once to find Semolina Pilchard, but were interrupted in Galveston when, stopping for gas, they were accosted by a man selling squirrel ambergris and subsequently

She goes crazy for Gomez's hamburger.

"Do not press." Whoops too late! You see, I wish they told me that before I

My guts felt like half-cooked eggs. I was so hungover. Could someone please crush my head under an earth mover's tire? Good God, who is that in my bed? Why are my fingers bloody?

"The 3rd person plural present active subjunctive of the verb do, dare - or what you get when a shopping cart hits your car." Who thinks these things up, thought Marty. It's like

She yelped with pain after being struck by her master. The Labrador glanced back up fearfully at the drunken man. He spoke garbled words that were angry. The man stumbled forward a

Zed raised the Crystal of Knowledge, a gem the size of his fist, into the light. As he admired its scintillations, Arthur Frayn warned him: "That one don't go in the forehead."

Bart was tied to his mother's apron strings since birth. This became problematic when he grew to over six feet tall, his feet bumping along clumsily behind his mother as she

This morning, when I woke up, I had a stomp of a headache. I thought it might be a lack of sugar in my blood so I quickly scoffed down 10 packets of Rainbow Drops and

It lay dormant in the root cellar for years, curled fetus-like into a ball and buried under old comics and cobwebs. Years later it woke, its metamorphosis complete, the stubby

"Turn the music up," he shouted. She could hear his voice through the thin walls of the apartment complex. Who was he shouting to? The music suddenly got ....

Nigel was so gleeful that the business man had asked him about the power outlet he was sitting next to.