String theory, the scientist said, is an attempt to realize Einstein's dream and not Isaac Newton and the apple that fell on his head causing him to attain Nirvana. Now the apple

Damn microwave. The TV dinner was burnt on the outside, and the meat-loaf was a meat-sickle. The corn shriveled and freezer burnt, the potato cold sawdust. Was that a brownie?

'It's a very blustery day' announced Pooh. The wind tickled across Pooh's stomach & played havoc with his duodenal ulcer which lay but inches beneath. Dr. Tigger was to perform an

The unicorn-jousting was going splendidly until I awoke with my knees against the ceiling

A snapback. Sagged pants. A chained necklace. Osiris shoes. A long, meek mill t shirt. The typical gangster strolled through town, looking for some tasty weed. His name was Omar.

His face was sideways.

He knew all the words to Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" but couldn't remember who fought the War of 1812 or why, which automatically qualified him as the world's worst American

But he couldn't tolerate this crap acting anymore. He was a God. They were, well twits. He walked over to the craft services table and decided to eat his feelings. He hated

I was deep in meditation, surrounded by bamboo and tweet tweet birdsong. Just prior to reaching samadhi a rabid panda bites me in the ass. I achieve enlightenment but as a half

"Your Great Uncle died and left you his record collection, library of books, and film archive." The lawyer then flung a flash drive across the desk. "If you would just sign here."

In the ever-so-late Spring of 2013, the people of Earth finally had some kind of shambly Sanghah or however it's spelled, but the crusty Arcturians would have none of it. Despite

CSI: Omaha. The show were we see intrepid scientists wheel about in their office chairs and play Canasta. The lead investigator stares out the window and waits and waits...

Robin Hood and Little John went hoppin through the forest. Little John said "Robin Hood, would you eat my porridge?" Robin Hood said

Mr. Odwalla was tolgerlatting his hasbiggi's new plofu-molber, when a policeman drove by and stopped his car in suprise. "Is that a real plofu-molber?!" he asked in wonder.

It was just one of those days. The portable death ray couldn't be propped up on the balcony because SOMONE forgot to bring a three-prong extension chord. Good minions are hard to

Gerard woke yet again to the rusted shackles round his infected wrists. And yet he was somehow stirred to shout for joy toward the far window of his tower cell, that others might

Monsieur, at zee Otel Ducase zee Culinary exPeriance ees completement. Here you find zee Bath. In ze Tub an enorm souffle - just add your favorit engredient ze madmosisel, he he

"Hey guys, I'm gonna fly!" Said that one guy at work

Salt Lake City, the city that knows no sleep. Where coffee and aspirin are the drug of choice and where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Mormon. This was my beat.

I made a pilgrimage to Glenturret distillery for two reasons: 1) The Naked Grouse was my house whiskey & 2) I had a mouse problem & wanted to hire their mouser softpaw Towser Jr.