They always used to call her "Lizzie-Lard-Arse".

The little white beeper beeped. Tad picked it up and dropped it into a Venti Latte. Deepak said, "Are you crazy?" Tad took off his barrista apron, "Like a fox."

In the middle of a gun fight, in the center of a restaurant, they say, "Come with your arms raised high!" Well, they're never gonna get me, like a bullet through a flock of doves.

There was a thud in the kitchen, a sound like the muffled wail of a cat, and then silence. Martha reached for her walker & started towards the kitchen, sure that this time Fluffy

In 1888 Bertha Benz drove her automobile to visit her mother. Along the way, several people were frightened by the automobile

Once upon a time there was an apple who wanted to be a vegetable. He saw how carrot had long green hair and he was envious. He gagged at the sight of tomato's plump bodice.

Gloria Monday relied on the Sic Transit System to get her where she needed to go. She was a card shark in frumpy yoga attire, and her invisible pass was her ticket to ride. Double-

She made the final fold, wrote peace on it's wings, made a silent wish and dropped it from the window.

We last left Alfred Hitchcock & Orson Welles running naked through the wilderness, covering themselves, buttcheeks flapping in the wind. "Worst camping trip ever," Orson complained

It was on an endless loop. Eternally. Forever. "I am job." Robin Williams said in Mrs. Doubtfire. Weird. Creepy. Over and over again, "I am job."

"Well dude, you've been saying put a camera on me, put a camera on me. Well, put a camera on me. Jesus!"

My full heart bids me boldly sing the horses of the ravisher from Dis and the stars darkened by the shadow of his infernal chariot and the gloomy chambers of the queen of Hell.

GROG COOK MEAT! "Ah, my dear chap but have you tried this?" I took the bread and put it on a stick over the fire. The cave man looked quizzically. "This is toast." GROG LIKE TOAST!

I'm one of those guys that write your name on a piece of rice. Not very interesting I know, but the CIA did need my services once.

I named my first born Mountain Dew because

When the Swedish Pirate Party won a majority in parliament, all hell broke lose. The treasury went from the euro to the pieces-of-eight and doubloons.

Soulreaver, Blade of the Necromancer, was on a card table for 5 bucks next to a stack of Reader's Digest and a Easy-Bake oven with the bulb missing.

Detective Manatee stood back while this was occurring, so that he would not “get knocked over” when the dog was “spinning around trying to find” the source of

The phone's piercing ring shattered Josh Robler's peaceful rest. His now bulging eyes belied the weariness that was trying to drag him back down. But once he picked up the phone,

He waited in the rest room until he heard someone in the stall next to him. He tapped with his right foot, got a response, then was surprised when through the glory hole came a