The last place I expected to be on birthday forty was inside a six-foot by eight-foot jail cell. But there I was... outfitted in an orange jumpsuit and mushroom-colored sandals.

I had a lousy sixty-three cents in my pocket, and I was thirsty. I entered the McDonalds and headed to the restroom; after which, I ambled over to the Coke machine and stuck my

They pitched camp in the midst of the pumpkins. The eastern sky grew dark, and the stars jangled up into their places. Beyond the horizon, a solitary pony approached. On her

"Despite the International acknowledgment that Carnies are the zenith of human lives turning out to be a colossal flop," he paused, "Carnies think they are on top of the world."

Why sure I do hunnywumps. I wuvy dovvy you werry werry much.

When she moved into her latest apartment, she found a light switch in the kitchen which didn't seem to be connected to anything. Every so often, she would flip it. After two weeks,

Tiny puffs of Styrofoam floated by him. Movie sets usually used soap flakes, but he was allergic. This also made it awkward at shower time, or when selling a car. Still, smugly

Ah, dear Earwig. Most misunderstood, save only our friend Cockroach. I fear you both suffer from unfortunate names. Also, that Wrath of Khan flick didn't really help the earwig out

What ... the ... f*ck?!

She told everyone she wanted her kid back. She even wrote to social services. But of course, she did NOT want her kid back. She wanted that thing they call free time, that sweet

Tammy was too tired to sleep...she hadn't had more than a few hours over the past eight days. Her room was littered with No Doze boxes and empty pill bottles once filled with

It was four am Monday morning. Through the glass doors the darkness outside could be seen. She listened carefully, expectantly, for the first signs of day. But there were no kookab

"so, any last remarks, Bieber?" "No, Sir" The disgrace was now hanging by a thread looped around his big toe. Below him, was the Japanese volcano Sacwanjoho. "So, bieber, any idea why your here?

Have you ever noticed how many times the number 87 turns up? 87? No way. Yeah, it DOES. Pay attention and you'll soon realize that there is something special about the number 87.

When he graduated with his PhD from Stanford two years ago, he was set to join a team cataloguing endangered species and creating a DNA bank of plants, animals and

I mourn for my lost guinea pig Petey. It's been five years now. I still make it a tradition to visit his gravesite. It's out by the projects. Next to the heroin dealer.

First it was the vampires versus the humans. The it was vampires versus werewolves. Then the vampires versus the zombies. What was it with those fucking vampires not getting along

Agent Robinson was gasping for breath as he tried to stand, and I used the opportunity to do the sensible thing and shoot him. He crumpled on the floor, and I was free to proceed

Happy nipples! Happy nipples! I've got happy nipples!

They McDonald's cashier politely asked my dad to pull forward and the food would be brought out. "Hell No, I won't pull forward this is supposed to be FAST food." Shame crept