Lawyer, doctor, or "Indian chief," that is what my father wanted me to be when I grew up. Boy, have I disappointed him by becoming a crustacean toe clipper making less than $5.50

Ways to read a boring textbook: 1) 1st chapter and last chapter only, 2) hold it upside down and laugh through each page, 3) read chapter titles only, 4) let Grover eat it, 5) pict

*** Greasy Charr Grilled Gristleburgers! *** Harv pulled nto his favorite truckstop. Fran saw the Medusa Decals on the Rig and yelled, "Russ, two Big Greasies and a Monster shake!"

i woke up and thats when i found her...

Rich took Joey to work today - I got home... and no dog greeted me.

What is it with some countries that encourage the dehumanization of certain subsets of their society? This is the 21st Century. That these idiots can torture teenagers and openly

You gotta check this out, I said to no one in particular in the crowded room as I hiked up my shirt to show off my

The day the Shunned struck back, a checkout scanner sneered at Mildred Dowd and said "Your record is too clean. We don't serve Squeakies like you." Mildred had her sword-cane, but

"Canglisons and Tpridores! Are you ready for the Intergalactic Hippodrome Extravaganza!? On this Lunar Shadow, we present the main event: STONE CARNAGE MELEE'S!"

There's no free lunch.

The 107-year old man picked up his rifle and aimed through the front room window. He put the crosshairs over his grandaughter's triple scoop ice cream cone and squeezed the trigger

"So, there we were, two miles behind enemy lines, dressed as nuns and smuggling munitions to La Resistance in our wimples, when Lieutenant Hereford had the capital idea of using

Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.

'Do I have the emotional heft to get off the bus at the next stop or shall I just stay on until the end of the route and get kicked off?' This was the kind of question that Zoe ask

I am a beautiful sphere of pure white light and everyone else is a bunch of total and complete bastards.

Cull me, Ishmael.

It's a ticking time bomb. You stare at it on the kitchen counter, as seconds tick off one by one. Damn. Suddenly you regret rigging your walls with explosives that

"Hey Gramps, I'm a chowderhead. Get it?" "Haha. Jimmy, didya know you can tell the age of a clam by counting the bands on its shell? Why this one here's probly near to 500 years

Har ni någon gång googlat på ordet döskallesjal?

You look like someone put a bright red fright wig on a skeleton and chucked it out of a helicopter.