Why they mistook me for Thomas Pynchon, I'll never know. I was just leaving the shop with my new pig suit when I was shoved into the back of a white panel van. They showed me a

When you're the squirrel, you never really wonder. You just dance along the telephone wires and bury a few acorns. This, he realized, was different. There

How did the name Bozo become an acceptable name for a clown? It's just so...so boring. Could they not have come up with something more entertaining, more lively like

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From a lifetime of stuttering, speaking was never easy for Marvin. The barrel of the revolver pressed to his forehead made3 it even harder. "D-D-Don't shoot! I-I-I'm not

He pulled out of the driveway in his new SUV, knowing that the car wouldn't last the rest of the day, let alone the 2-years the warranty promised. What choice did he have though,

"And I have big feet. You know what they say about big feet....HUGE shoes". We laugh all night, it was one of those fortunate nights when Jerry

"Dad, I have something to tell you--" I began. I heard the seatbelt click and the car door open. I looked over to see him roll out of the car at 65 miles an hour.

Before me on the desk was a rotary phone, an ink blotter, a rolodex and some carbon paper. Beads of sweat soaked my sun-burned pate. "Dammit! How do I work these things?"

Eventually, all species will become one

Meredith spit out her gum and reapplied her lip gloss. She leaned back in her office chair, peeking around the wall of her cubicle. Julia was leaning over the copier, furiously

In the space of four seconds, Joey recounted his life's accomplishments. He'd had a surprisingly full life, despite only having lived to 22. The wall, and his death, were fast

Fanning the flames, Doktor Evil-Schtein called out to his minions, "More heat! Vee must bving zee object to a temperature of One vousand point-two degvees!" Smiling to themselves,

Nothing like the smell of a corpse fire in the morning. Sure, Tom had seen better days, a few of them in bed with my wife, but that's why he's pantsless in a firepit. His big red

Pooling their money together, Wexler's Army realized they could just afford movie tickets for only 3 of the 6 of them. What good was their make-believe if there was no real loot

Barbara met Chevy at Museum coffeeshop. He was crying into his latte and Barbara asked him what was wrong. He explained the Art exhibit of abstract photomontage moved him to tears

I exhaled slowly, exhausted. "For the last time, I told you, I'd never seen her face before last night." These cops were incompetent chumps. What they didn't know was

I never thought of Gladys as a friend until I found she'd stapled Kim's chiahuahua's ears together just before the Worthlydale Dog Show. The Balinese Dog Dance had to be cancelled!

But Bill Clinton wasn't going to be shown up by some pencil-necked blue-blood yankee. He grabbed up as much as he could carry, all of it was soiling his

"shut up!!" he yelled at his annoying grandmother that he had just addopted the other day. he hadn't quite gotten used to having her around and she would not stop talking