'How did this happen... I got myself into this mess, though, now I just need to get out.' I thought to myself, looking down at the chocolaty mess covering my new dress.

This bitch had to go. Not only did she have the balls to post a note in the breakroom in ALL CAPS, but she'd used comic sans font. I'd fashioned an office shiv out of post-its and

In the Black Hills of South Dakota, just off of highway 90, there is corrugated rusted hangar. If you pull into the dirt lot, and pay a dollar at the turnstyle, you will see

Joe had just hit the pope with his truck. There were no witnesses. The situation was surreal. He left the cab and checked the pope's pulse. The pope had no pulse. He put the

Boom!

String theory, the scientist said, is an attempt to realize Einstein's dream and not Isaac Newton and the apple that fell on his head causing him to attain Nirvana. Now the apple

The zombie apocalypse came, as many dreaded it would - but not to humanity. Proving that either there was no God - or that he existed and had a twisted sense of humor - squirrels

I've became obsessed with gaining super speed, so much so that every time it storms, I run to my chemical set, hoping a stray bolt of lightning will strike, just like in the Flash

A half-empty tin of Spongebob Squarepants Band-Aids and the lingering scent perfume were all that were left of her. Just a few moments earlier

She planted the seed that had come from the dusty packet in the back of the greenhouse. For weeks, nothing, then, one day, a sprout appeared, ghastly green, glowing with an unholy

The inspector stepped back to observe the tableau. The wall was covered in newspaper clippings, old photos, book passages and lots of string. Why did they always do this?

The awards hung on the wall like insects pinned in a killing jar. The fluorescent lights gave his skin the sallow tone of a smoker's teeth, and it was obvious to all but him that

FOLDINGSTORY THE MOVIE. They say Titivillus is the demon putting typos in story folds. It's 1940. I fold stories by flinging them as paper airplanes out my highrise office. Origami

I read, I folded, I passed. I came, I saw, I kicked some ass!

Two sausages are sitting in a frying pan. One sausage turns to the other and says "Woah, it's pretty hot in here today!". The other sausage replies "Holy crap! A talking sausage!".

Somehow Jasper got himself targeted. From overhead one could see the PariahNet app subscribers start to converge on him like metal filings toward a magnet. The WNYC news chopper

The grizzly bear smoked a calabash pipe because

Roast the broomstick. Fiddle. Bury the bone. Nookie. Makin' bacon. Hiding the bishop. Boom-boom.

The efficiency expert smirked at me from behind her desk. "So, Jim, it says here you're a Junior Executive Coordinator. In your own words, what would you say you do around here?"

So, it's January 3rd, 2013. Now what?