"Teleportation?" "Hello, asshole, time travel?" The Indian drew his arrow further back. I didn't care because I was protected by the

"PLYMOUTH COLONY MASSACRED!" the headlines screamed. "ABORIGINAL TRIBES REPUDIATE PROTESTANTISM, CITE DISDAIN FOR LATENT UNITARIANISM! RISIBILITY TOWARDS TRANSCENDENTALISM FEARED!"

So I started to leave the room, when Vinnie goes "Does the pope shit in the woods?" and chuckles. I just kept walking. He comes up with weirdest shit after a night of booze and

I turned around, my opponent right on my tail. I had to make it away fast before something really bad happened. Something really bad like- "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Long nights at sea drove me into her arms. Well, I should say arm. She only has one. The left one. One left arm and one right leg. That's my girl. The girl for me if only I

Sixteen cheerleaders stood leering at me. I had miscalculated the timing of their return to the locker room and now had been caught with my pants down and a pair of panties on my

He gingerly opened the door. The flashing lights blinded him. The Indian in the cupboard had built a casino. The Indian walked out in a shark skin suit and

"Double double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble." These words I chanted as I stirred the cauldron filled with a green, bubbling & delicious smelling potion. It was

Sonny looked at Cher and growled. He beared his teeth and slowly bent down on his haunches. Cher looked momentarily confused. This wasn't in the script. Their variety show was live

She walked down the hall. She had her bookbag in one hand and a small water bottle in the other. She was so scred she didnt know

I was standing there in the forest guns blazing at the monster leaping twards me. It's eyes as read as blood staring at the barrel of my gun, claws tearing at my flesh. Then out of

Sitting in class, wondering what to do, I decided to

Lisa lifted the gooey cinnamon roll to her mouth and took a bite. Todd laughed. "You know what they put in those things?" Lisa shrugged. "Well, I'll tell you. They put

I handed them the bent spoon. "That's it?" "Yes, that's it." "No clairvoyance, remote viewing or ESP?" "Nope." "I'm not sure if your the sort of agent we want for the CIA." "Wait,

Miss. Willard was a kindly old woman who lived at the end of the street. She passed out toothbrushes every Halloween instead of candy. She smiled a lot. I hated her, but not for

"Don't tell me to shut the fuck up, you filthy dirty hippie! I'm goddamn Bill O'Reilly, so piss off and go get trippy!" Well, how was I supposed to react to such abuse? I had to

The press called it the Fairy Tale Murder. “The Turnip” had similarities to the death of a root vegetable farmer found in a bag in a tree with an Encyclopedia page in his mouth.

Becca snuck into her ex's house every night, only stealing what she could fit in her bindle. Tonight, she sought his heirloom: the remote control. Stealth ops were required because

There are some things you just can't practice, like zooming in a jet-propelled one-man rocket suit, either you do it or you don't.

Rainbow Dash screamed in agony as Pinkie Pie used her devilish instrument to extract that... thing. "Rainbow dash, stop screaming, I cant take out your splinter without tweezers!"