Beans beans the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you.. But they're not fruit. Beans beans, good for the heart the more you eat the more you.. Not so says epidemiology. Bean

Slugman glared at me as Joyce from Forensics reported that all five mucusy trails were concocted from mucilage and olive oil. "Slugman, I owe you more than an apology. How about

My kitty, Ted, is the biggest badass cat in the world. He weighs 21 pounds and wakes me up each morning by sitting on my face each morning until I can't breathe.

You know that feeling that there's someone behind you, someone in the basement, behind the shower curtain. That uncertainty about whether the door was already ajar. That's

It was the day the lights switched off, no more electricity, no more cars, no more internet. For good. Some say it was the beginning of a new age. Others say it was just a really

It was dry out so I should have known. But while my guard was down my sister blasted me with 50,000 volts of static. In the hospital, I sharpened down my big toenail to a point

I submitted my paperwork to the Department of Major Fuck-ups who then mistakenly forwarded part of my application to the Dept. of Incompetence where some geriatrics sent it to

You ate my sandwich again, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?! It was right here on my desk and you were here too and now that's the second time my sandwich disappeared! Why don't you admit

My kindergartener has an upcoming science fair and I can't decide whether she should dissect C. elegans embryos or develop a GIS-based habitat model for Sceloporus graciosus.

"If you had a fire in a convenience store & Gatorade were flammable we could get sued, so we put the flame retardant in it." "...and what does brominated vegetable oil taste like?"

I had recollected myself from the impertinent psychomagnets of the world. I walked among them now, my hairy belly to the wind, taunting their advertorial compulsions. As for pity,

All the things I say, and all the things I do, make me think life is easier when you're dead. So should I fix this? Or put a gun to my head?

I put Red Bull in my coffee and now my heart sounds like dub step.

Aaaaaaah! The delights of scab picking. It shouldn't feel so good to self mutilate surely it goes against the logic of allowing your body to heal but yet

"O my children. Stop your bickering just this once. Make peace with your maker." The voice wasn't really his." He'd passed denial. The asteroid would impact. Others knew, surely.

The zombie refugees struggled to find a safe haven after the Canadian's closed their borders. The CDC in Atlanta had been working with experts in Montreal on emergency measures

Commander A Llama addressed the Ducks of Al-Hazred, Six Million Dollar Clam, the Bionic Wombat & all the other Folding Animals aboard Cattlecar Galactica - "Friends, Folders,

Slick Willy loading the half-empty clip into his Beretta. He had to do this. Didn't want to, but had to, otherwise the garbage men would keep taking his home from him. He walked to

I am supposed to be grading papers right now, but the FoldingStory Siren keeps calling out to me, "Come, come into my fields of folds, oh ye who are weary..." So here I am, a priso

One smart fella and he felt smart. Two smart fellas and they felt smart. Three smart fellas and they all felt smart.