Due to cuts in educational funding, the board has narrowed the periodic table to the four basic elements of earth, air, fire and water. Some other changes we wil implement are

"Honey, did you put anthrax in my pancakes?" I scraped them into the trashcan, her guilty stare confirming my suspicions. "That's the third time this week, dear. What's wrong?"

Perry White settled in at his desk at the Daily Planet and poured himself a stiff bourbon -- three fingers, no ice. He thought about how he had pimped out Lois to get the story of

one day i had a water fight with some kids.....no one is a match for my kettle

THE ISLAND

The insane pastry chef slapped his bow-legged assistant. "What took you so long?" He grabbed the apple-fritter and set inside the Beast's chest. It was a doughnut Frankenstein

"OMG, look at Ben's cute butt!" Gianna texted her BFF Destiny 5 feet away from her and 11 feet from the 17yo male walking past the Claire's mall store where the girls worked.

She pulled at the chains but they were held fast. She didn't know how long she had been held captive in this dungeon.

And that's when it hit me- "All of these statues have penises...except this one!" I went over there to examine it more closely.

"How could she forget I was allergic to shellfish?" I thought- face swollen by the poisonous hors d'œuvres. "Is she TRYING to kill me?" And that's when I felt something poking

I walked in, only to find what I expected, but wanted to avoid. "Charlie!" I yelled, rushing to his body. He had lost a lot of blood, and I knew he wasn't going to make it.

They were the first snowflakes since last spring. The sight of this first sign of winter momentarily distracted her racing thoughts

Blood clung thick on the walls of the small room like a double coat of paint, filling the air with a cloying smell that burned the nostrils. I couldn't believe what I'd just done.

Through the rotting jungle, we happened upon an old French plantation. They invited us in and offered the last of the vintage wine. "We have been here for years," the owner said.

When they kissed, it was like every sound and person in the room was fading away. Her mouth was sweet and open and everything he ever dreamed of. He wanted her to be his alone.

The first item in his inbox was another rejection from the New Yorker. They had no interest in his zombie stories, zombie cartoons, or zombie theater reviews. The next message

Love is the purest thing in the world but

What bugs me about the internets, is why do they call that thing a "mouse", and also, the fact that this computer thing doesn't resemble nor does it taste anything like an "apple"

One upon a time in a land far, far away...

I always wondered how the course of human history would have diverged had "David" not been nude. I hired a local sculptor and some Renaissance fair actors to live out my fantasy.