A major unintended consequence of the collapse of the Iron Curtain in 1989 (ish) was that the UK would never again win the Eurovision Song Contest. If we'd known this, our celebrat

Jack Knight donned his helmet & lowered the canopy. He'd wanted to be a fighter pilot as long as he could remember but lived in fear his jet would explode in a fiery plume of death

"Who are you?" "I'm little latin loopie lou, would you like to have a hug? "Not, exactly." "Ok, who are you?" "I'm a looper."

"I sell laughs." He said matter a factly. "You're a comedian?" I asked. He grimaced. "Humor isn't a language people understand. I just sell laughs. You want a sample? Put these on

mayday mayday mayday

One day, Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Mel Gibson And Robert Duvall united to save the world.

Cranberry the Cat ate Dolly the Duckling with some apple sauce. Damian the Dog ate Cranberry the Cat with Dijon mustard. Felix the Fox ate Damian the Dog with celeriac remoulade

Every morning she caked herself in foundation and proceeded to douse herself in cheap perfume just to hide who she was, but even with that, she couldn't cover it up.

The day the washing machines attacked started like any other. I remember sitting lazily in the dining room, munching on cereal, when I heard a scream come from the laundry room. I

Now, this Magic is one you have never seen before, it is a literary magic called Haiku Pocus.

Within the confines of the TechnoCave, the Miasma Theorists stuck to their guns. "I'll believe what I want, this is a free country." "That's the miasma talking, Jen. Freedom? Here?

The Civil-verse was plagued with associated tourists. They self ported through the Master Press like worms in a carcass. My job was to give them a reason to go home.

Many rebelled when they read his manifestos, unwilling to consider the truth they contained. But some realized the activist was right, especially those who ate their own shorts.

"Because you have no ass." That upset her. She had a face. She had class. She nice breasts. But it was true, she had no ass.

Luke heard the screaming... the world was falling apart, and it had only been three days! People, rising from the dead to devour others! "This is a nightmare!" he said to himself.

These are a few of my most-despised words: Pulchritude. Cauliflower. Leprous. Axe. Quantitative-easing. Blister. Virgin. Trebuchet. Maybe. Flatulence. Me. Make a story out of them!

Joaquin Dix scanned the field. He saw Hakeem Nicks come open across the middle just as Akiem Hicks hit him from behind. Akeem tackled Hakeem while Akiem roughed up Joaquin.

The first time I drove on a motorway was the I-95 in Miami - straight out of the hire car place. It was also my first l/h drive car & the first time I'd driven on the right. Scream

In the dying days of World War II Hitler sat in his bunker eating a boiled egg. Suddenly a time traveller appeared from nowhere and pointed a gun at him "Hitler", he said "My name

Lucifer was looking at the tiny creature with such intensity, as if it would enter spontaneous combustion at any time and didn't want to miss any second of it.