"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa--" I screamed, then paused to take a deep breath. "--aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh." My friend blinked at me. "Wow," she said.

He was dressed in drag, had 8 neck tattoos and was purchasing 3 peaches, a large bottle of Popov, 2 boxes of Summer's Eve, some Cracker Jack, and a rolling pin. I said "Welcome to

He had only one gift, his farts smelled like an awesome Sunday breakfast. But you have to play the hand your dealt and he decided to make his gift work for him by

Newt Gengrich laid in the dark in his Radisson hotel room. He'd asked for "non-smoking" but it reeked of Virginia Slims. He reached under his double chin and pulled out

My friends were all laughing away at their lockers and I asked what's so funny? They said my best friends girlfriend was a riot, I knew she was stealing my best friend so I decided

Nobody beats the Wiz. Except pehaps the Wiz. He was on a losing steak and just couldn't shake it. Hiis last attempt was to "go back to basics". Instead of turning her into a frog,

His eyes glazed as he looked into the dairy section. What did they put into a White Russian? Would non-dairy creamer work? Did they ever try buttermilk? At 3 am, his thoughts went

as i was walking to my friends house, i noticed that someone was following me. I wanted to turn around but i was scared so i started to run, I ran and ran till i ran out of breath

The blacksmith agreed to forge me an axe if I brought him the head of a manakete and a vial of virgin tears. I didn't know of any virgin crybaby manaketes, so this would take time.

When you have special powers beyond what the mind can conceive, you think you're invincible, but actually you're not. Everyone has a weakness, an Achilles heel. Mine was

I dug under my couch cushions and found the remote, 75 cents, and some cheetos. But I also found an evil, staff-wielding capybara. "Can I get you something to drink?" I asked him.

My DVDs are being packed up and put into storage as

Janice got seriously stuck. She tried to wriggle her way out of the warm stinking mud, but every move made the mud suck her body further down. She was tired, hungry, thirsty and

The X-Men could have stopped the bank robbers and saved the day, but they were too busy bemoaning that they were mutants and no one understood them. The constant whining started

He blinked as he read the newsletter. His story was featured this month. No warning, just dropped in the mail. He was beginning the victory lap tweet, but a knock on the door

I am an aromiologist. Miss your early school years? I can mix a batch of chalk dust, mimeograph fluid, and slight whiff of industrial cleanser. First love? Cherry Lipsmacker,

"Concrete Shoes,Cyanide, TNT, Neckties, Contracts,High Voltage. Done Dirt Cheap! Call me anytime." It seemed like a solicitation to her so she picked up the phone & dialed 36 24 36

At exactly six o’clock, the music stopped then both silence and excitement swept the hall. At the top of the silver staircase,

I was reading a book when I heard a wailing siren. I looked out my window and saw utter chaos. I looked into the sky and saw five planes streaking overhead in perfect formation.

Little Joey Parker closed his eyes and wished. Hard. He put pen to paper and wrote two words. "Maybe Santa can bring me Spam Baby THIS year" He would never stop