My boat's too big big to get me to France.

He used a sock puppet to pick up beautiful women.

Just got out of the hospital. Only hurts when I laugh. Feeling fine. I am alive and well. You'll never believe what happened to me in there, though. When I was in the OR,

First it was wine and flowers. Then it was dinner and a movie. Then it was delivery pizza. Then it was warm-it-up-yourself leftovers. Now it's texts about poo. Color; girth; freque

The protesters gathered outside the palace, chanting "The End is HERE!" many people had no idea what the large crowd was doing, It was a great day to be on Alderaan! The Birds were

"What do you get when you cross a hot dog, a ball of yarn and a pink flamingo with an ice cream cone and a keyboard?" .... silence. Hmm. Tough crowd.

"Your mama!" "My mama what?" "Your mama wears fish stockings!" It was true. There was a tangle of mackerel, sardine & puffer fish caught in them. But my mama was the fishwife

Keith had stumbled on the winning combination of monosyllabic AND grumpy quite by accident. But when he used this technique on his sister's best friend's cousin, the effect wa

"I'm a fountain of blood, in the shape of a girl!' screamed Björk. "All is full of love! My name's Isobel!" This was the worst yet - nothing could contain her as she raved and

The blonde was red ...

You are a D.A.P., a Depressed Anxiety Person.

In Bob's back yard, night fell later in summer, but when it fell you couldn't even see the starless sky. Bob sensed something being silent, something that knew he was listening

We were on the Budapest-Prague train. The American opposite was infuriating. He'd paid my excess in dollars as the conductor had refused forints or sterling. But he wouldn't accept

Tonight

My uncle was obsequious, purple & clairvoyant, pompous, obese & ate cactus, dull, boring & omnipresent & criticized things he didn't know about. "He needs his knees removed!" said

I chopped apples, put them into a dish. Flicked off some sliced slug (organic!), slapped on some pastry. In the oven for a random amount of minutes. I am a Domestic bloody Goddess

"Firebrand chili will put hair on your chest, and a hole in your duodenum, said the sign outside." "Well, spoon me a bowl. Maybe it'll put hair on my bald pate too." said

It was a gay joy. Just divine and absolutely fabulous. We held hand in hand gazing at the round rainbow's curve, so tremendously endowed, it was.

Ted's senior year was marked by an Evil Teacher. This Evil Teacher bedeviled and tormented Ted, but was also a blessing in disguise.

So are you allowed to trim during Movember? I'm really not sure what the rules here are. I don't want to have to sacrifice my prostate due to a technicality or anything.