There once was a girl named Shirley. She

There once was a girl named Shirley. She lived in a small town outside of Wichita, Kansas. There was something peculiar about Shirley; she had magical

amethyst gloves. If she clapped, she would be swept with the cat Totoro to the Kingdom of Ahs. There, Shirley met the Iron Plumber, the Broomstick Boy, and the Uptight Lynx.

Together they formed an abba tribute band. They toured the world until one day the plumber was violently raped by a pack of beach turtles. The horrific ordeal changed the group

from being a simple, disco band to an entire orchestra. They added 15 members to their group. They started playing Beethoven and Bach music. Everyone loved their music except

hipsters. No hipsters didn't love "their" music. They despised their music. The displaced their hatred on their music onto people who'd never heard of their band.

For Hipster is simply a new age synonym of Hatred. For hatred is the singular impetus which drives the hipster machine, forcing those who come into contact to

explode in a fireball of man-buns, yoga pants and ironic t-shirts. Burt backed away slowly from the hipster machine, knowing he was safe as long as he remained squarely square.

So there he firmly stood firm--not as firm as he stood back in the 70s, outside of Lorna Dugan's bedroom., but firm, still--enough to make the women near the hipster machine blush.

At the bar, his face was suddenly revealed. "It's him!" the bartender cried. Everyone in the saloon drew their guns. POW POW POW!! Bodies fell to the floor. Everyone died. The end.