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"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." My

  • "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." My stepfather's mom was known to pronounce that old chestnut at the drop of a hat. But as a kid, I always thought she said "abcess," since

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  • she was a foreigner and didn't have proper pronunciation. Being a simple little kid, I reasoned that 'abcess' must have been a female 'ab' in the same way it was with 'princess'.

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  • So I didn't understand why she recoiled when I lifted my shirt above my chest. She had said only kooks "abcess". I wanted to show her that my belly was soft, I indeed was not a koo

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  • k. Then I remembered flaming snake skull tattoo on my midriff. "Heh, I got that a long time ago," I squirmed, "I'm, ah, a different person now." She looked incredulous, "It looks

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  • like a train wreck," she said. "No, it's a flaming snake skull." I told her, "See the eyes?" "I thought they were windows," she snarked, "And see? There's the conductor." I had to

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  • Admire where the train tracks were leading. "Don't suppose it does any tricks, does it?" I ask. "Well, it is possessed by the ghost of an evil Mormon and travels through time." She

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  • didn't smile when she told me that, so I assumed she was telling me the truth. "Really?" I asked. "That's, um...cool. Let's ride this time-traveling train, then!" "ALL ABOARD!" the

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  • odore Roosevelt bellowed. Whoa, I'd boarded a train full of Cuba-bound Roughriders. At San Juan Hill, I preempted Teddy's pep talk by giving out Ecstasy pills. The charge surpassed

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  • our wildest dreams. They fought dragons and pirates, secular humanists, & the Manson Family Fued. In 20 minutes all the Roughriders were dead, including future President, Theodore

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  • Roosevelt. “Hey! He can’t be dead!” said a victor. “He’s going to be president!” “Where in the Constitution does it say the president has to be alive?” “Well, you got me there!"

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3 Comments

  1. LordVacuity Nov 16 2019 @ 15:00

    I think that is a glaring hole in the constitution.

  2. LordVacuity Nov 16 2019 @ 15:07

    I can foresee a scenario where an incumbent president running for reelection who gets zombiefied by a covert Ukrainian sleeper cell. The Zombie president gets reelected and it is constitutional.

  3. Woab Nov 18 2019 @ 13:34

    The imagery here is astounding. Just imagine Teddy Roosevelt calling "All Aboard" and everyone jumping onto a tattoo of a train on some guys chest, along with the Rough Riders. Folds like this will be the ruination of us all!

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