BREAKING NEWS: Santa is spotted doing the

Having to fix his sleigh due to the weight of the electronic toys kids want now. The old toys were lightweight and could be easily carried in a rucksack. "These smartphones are too

damn heavy," Santa muttered through his cigar, "and far too popular." He needed something new. He needed something fresh. He needed something... daring. Just then, his lead elf

stepped on his foot.Now that was heavy! The lead elf had been the metallurgist shops idea. He'd tamp down the bag before departure. No, Santa wanted something cool. Rocket power or

bean power were the only options left. Santa did like a nice hot pot of beans. The reindeer liked them dry roasted. Bean power it was. That night Rudolf was lit from both ends.

and the sleigh flew faster than it had in centuries, Santa's wife had to cling to her husband, several presents came early that birthday gift giving became a normal for kids to get

confused by the lack of punctuation. Despite their poor grammar grades, Santa and his clingy wife showered them with gifts whenever they happened to fly by, which was often. The

children would yell, ‘thanks!’ to Mr. and Mrs. Claus, without capitalizing the ‘T’ and would dance around happily with toys in hand, giggling gayly and anticipating their return.

As they rode home, Santa bitched to Mrs. Claus. “Shit, I’ve had enough. I’ve got better things to do than make toys for brats and stay fat!” Mrs. Claus was puzzled. “Like what?"

“Ho, Ho, Ho!” Santa barked. “You didn’t just go there. I don’t see you dealing with 8 fucking neurotic reindeer or trying to shove your fat ass down a chimney. So, if I were you