Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey and 14 others

Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey and 14 others will receive

the Presidential Medal of Freedom

which didn't go over well in the internet press, where "leet" "funny" bloggers were oh-so-subtle in comparing Obama to Hitler in an era when people knew better. The Freedom Medal

totally sucked. I mean, great, glory and honor, but really, I could wipe my snot with glory and honor. I wanted a license to kill. I wanted to kill trollers.

Problem was that, online, they were harder to track down. They were easily disguised. I quit commenting on blogs, as a result. Soon, the comments were shut down! People woke up.

They emerged from their deep delve into the digital world, unplugged the many wires running from their skin to the machinery, and sat up. With weary eyes, they realized the truth.

-dgehammered their way into a mattress shop for some self-righteous shut-eye. As they slept, helicopters quietly surrounded the store. "Come out with your hands up!" Kelly barked

. "Get the Molotovs!" Kelly yelled behind her. "Come out NOW! Or I'm lighting yall up like..." her voice trailed off as she tried to come up with something witty.The Mattress Store

stayed silent for a moment, then a feeble voice called out from inside “...like the 4th of July?” Kelly, unimpressed, threw the Molotov, blazing up every mattress. Then... screams.