The coffee cup waited. Jan poured caffeinated

  • The coffee cup waited. Jan poured caffeinated rag water into it. It was the cup with Winnie the Pooh on it. Given to me by the Mexican cleaning lady. A lady I imagined naked but

  • never really saw wearing anything but baggy sweat pants and a Merry Maids smock. I fantasized about the elastic band in her pants becoming too loose. Jan knew, so my coffee was

  • delivered cold. She was the conservative type, and she was very perceptive; not to mention easily offended. I suspected that under that prim-and-proper exterior, though, lie a

  • drab interior in dire need of a girl's touch. Maybe she wouldn't appreciate my advances at first, but she didn't strike me as someone who reject me just because I'm a woman

  • Anyway I thought I'd take my chances and offered her my fishing pole. Never mind if there was no river in sight. She looked at me and said, 'Well what do you know about fishing?

  • ". "Not much, but I know a lot about fish", I told her. "Did you know that the male angler fish gets absorbed into the females forehead and dissolves into a lump of sperm?"

  • She was unimpressed by this fact and looked at me with suspicion now. I told her about the female Chilean sea bass and it's complex mating rituals and the sexual positions of bass.

  • "What the hell is wrong with you?" She asked before lighting a cigar and taking a long puff. I began to stutter. Words dribbling out of my mouth like I was a deep sea clown fish.

  • "Where do I begin?" I began. "First, the varmit killed my Pa, then he raped and murdered my Ma, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible. What the hell is wrong with YOU?"

  • And with these words, Jimmy took a sword and slayed the varmit. Then he raped his parents and his dog. He took back his bible and went on to preach the word of Our Lord.



  1. sundancer Jul 29 2011 @ 16:25

    Woooow! HAHA

  2. PocketKnight Jul 29 2011 @ 16:43

    This. This is the best kind of story. It starts with coffee and ends with swords, varmints, and preaching. You really couldn't ask for anything more.

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