Nobody bought the 50 lbs. bag of groats at

Nobody bought the 50 lbs. bag of groats at the whole foods market. It had been placed way in the back behind the flax seed crumpets. There, it sprouted tendrils and became sentient

gradually spreading it's root system into the foundation of the market building, sending shoots into the shelving, & brooding over avenanthramide, kasha & mansaf but mostly human

hair weaves, in which the plant had laid eggs. As it used its roots to slide the biomecha-mart to an area with more natural sunlight, Joe decided to play hero. He grabbed his Zippo

-rah Feathers and summoned Moses. The Flaming Law Giver parted the strange mutating egg-laying plant and then disappeared. To Joe's amazement, the plant did not die but

regressed to an earlier stage in its life. The plant's eggs still littered the ground, and Flaming Moses declared them not kosher. Joe was in speechless awe, but his problem was

based in guilt over his carbon footprint ever since he'd taken that nonstop flight around the world just to say he did. Joe wanted to be like a plant. To suck in carbon and turn it

into oxygen. But Joe was not an oak, not yet. He had started to notice that he was an angry monkey man, prone to retribution, and worried that he might oxidize other people

He was right to worry. Anger coursing through his veins, Joe shrieked like a gibbon and oxidised pretty much everyone he knew. Looked like being an oak was a distant dream - perhap

s, if he'd set his goal a little less high, he could have succeeded, but he was doomed to failure from the onset, and not knowing where to turn, he hung his head in shame, and walk

ed CLUNK straight into a lampost. He hit his head so hard, he went into a coma for 17 years. When he woke, he had no memory...only a faded photograph of the girl he once loved.