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I'd been preparing for this moment for years

  • I'd been preparing for this moment for years but you know you'll never really be ready. Still, this was it. I was filled with a mixture of dreaded anticipation and nervous glee. In

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  • retrospect it was rather anticlimactic. Everyone came on time. The Bride was radiant. The best man remembered the ring. Everything went as planned except the Amy wasn't marrying me

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  • she was marrying my twin brother. I was in my tux in a utility closet bound with duct tape. Even as a kid, he was always trying to 'one up' me. Now he has Amy. I pounded the door.

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  • Which knocked my evil twin brother's bowling ball collection off the top shelf. They slammed into my head, knocking me out cold. Amy would unwittingly marry him, but the blood

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  • -line they shared led to physically defective children. Amy's newborn daughter had a bowling ball-shaped head, complete with thumb holes. "She's easy to carry," my evil twin re

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  • plied, "Just make sure her legs don't drag along the floor". I looked at him, perplexed, and shouted:"How can you be such a dork!" He just chuckled and shrugged his shoulders,

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  • and we both hauled her body to the storage room of Fedex-Kinkos in Westwood. Sometimes working kinkos is weird, but I try to not to think about it. I just do what Jacoby says and I

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  • lift boxes. Sometimes the boxes are heavy and soggy but Jacoby says "Don't you mind." I trust him. He wouldn't make me lose my job at Kinko's, would he?

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  • Then I remembered that when he worked at Petco he had a game of convincing customers to try dog treats, and at the bank he tried to convince his clients to rob it. Jacoby had a way

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  • of tempting what people shouldn't do, to remind them of why they shouldn't do it. Yes, life was not kind to Jacoby since his psychiatry patient Laura Palmer was killed.

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