My name is cat. I am the cat in the hat.

My name is cat. I am the cat in the hat. I know many things. For my hat gives me infinite wisdom. Though I may be strange, I am here to solve your problems. How may I help you?

I offer my wisdom, as the cat in the hat, to you lower beings with only two legs and hardly any fur. My superior intellect is at your disposal. Unless you're Justin Bieber.

In which case your disposal will come at the hands of my superior intellect. As the cat in the hat, there's no doubt about that. Your inev'table DATs are but THUNKS and ker-SPLATS.

"WOOF" which was code for "MEOW" which was code for "DUCK!!!" The gun-toting hand obeyed immediately. The cat saved his life from Putin's lethal eye, which had snuck up on them.

Putin's ocular laser eye took three seconds to recharge, plenty of time for my disembodied left foot to stop painting and step on it with a wet squelch. The gun-toting hand attemp

ted to reload its weapon; meanwhile my disembodied left foot jumped up and down on the squishy remains of Putin's ex-laser eye. One zap and my foot would be toast, so I had to

stay one step ahead of my disembodied foot. Oh, it was a real heel of a body part. Persistent but I needed to put my foot down on my disembodied foot and kick it into high gear

because a disembodied foot sometimes becomes stuck rectally. I didn't want to sit on it, and I definitely didn't want to rotate on it. You can kiss it, for luck, if you must.

The old man sighed, leaned forward and gave the foot a peck on the big toe, before walking off whistling to himself. "Who is this guy?" I stammered. His disguise was too good...