We buy it in bulk - from Fingerhut. You don't

We buy it in bulk - from Fingerhut. You don't want to know what it is. Seriously.

Would you honestly want to use chunky peanut butter as an exfoliant? Squirrels follow you everywhere after you've bathed in that, as well as skinny, starving rats. In the sun, the

... Mister Peanut clicked off the radio. He peeked through the blinds as the paranoia settled in. Those squirrels could be anywhere.... waiting to strike.

He knew what he was doing was wrong. When he stole all of the dry roasted nuts from the breakroom &he lifted the keys to the Nutmobile, there was no turningback. MrPeanut wasnt goi

ng to take receipt of the HR Red Flag without fighting back. Sure, he doesn't wear pants to work, but how many walking peanuts actually have genitals that are visible anyway?

would cause a HR to red flag me. Then I started complaining about a wedding I attended where a baby was the best man. He really needed to practice that speech first. Maybe add in

some euphemisms for animal sex. That ought to heat up the speech a little. You know, make 'em sweat. He licked his pencil and said, "Ok, so, let's see, humping dogs could be

..." We left him there to his own devices. No one had the wherewithal to respond. I handed him another pencil to lick, thinking that this might help, then backed away. The moral of

the story? There are 3: 1) Make a point of marking only virgin parchment with your writing instrument 2) Safe scrawlers don't lick the tip 3) Don't start a story you can't finish!