I have the most unbelievable rash.

I have the most unbelievable rash.

At work I asked everyone I know, "Have you ever seen a rash like this? Here, touch it. See how rough it is?" For some reason, no one would

touch it. Maybe the pus-filled blisters and green blotches put them off. Finally I visited our blind janitor Larry. Larry put on a latex glove and

cleaned fecal matter and other unfortunate human wastes up off the floor and bathroom surfaces at least once a day so I figured he'd be up for it. Larry touched my

ankles, the grabbed hold - lifting me, wheelbarrow style he walked me around the shit-covered floor. I always was a stickler for the old-fashioned way of doing things, and

cold smoked meats. Yep. He had a cedar smokehouse out back. Usually had about 150 pounds of pork just smoking crazy and for this reason he needed no one in his life so

he continued to wrap raw bacon around his...um...man's area...while he was out in the yard grilling. He didn't even have a need to prepare all these pork flanks. He just wanted to

one-up Jimmy Dean. "You ain't never wrapped bacon around no sausage, has you?!" he bragged. "Yup, we sure have," Jimmy replied. "We've even put it on a stick with chocolate chips."

“And sold the recipe to France where they're makin' gormit bacon candy. You know the whole bacon thing on the computers? Hell, you can thank Jimmy Dean for that,” he finished.