Fuddlewacker! That's the only thing I could

Fuddlewacker! That's the only thing I could think of at the sight of it. My uncle's catch-himself-cursing word. Fifteen eggs perfectly balanced in a pyramid defied explanation.
So did the 15 egg and 12 cheese omelets. I'd been staring at the egg pyramid for over an hour waiting for a table at this joint and had eaten the entire bowl of toothpicks. They
were nothing compared to the top ramen he ate in college. He'd lived in a dorm next to a fat chick named val who'd lied about having a baby. They split the ramen but
before they ate it. She'd go to her Dormroom and "put the special ingredient in it". He never found out what that special ingredient was but he married Val despite her corpulance
and foeted smell like smegma or something from her layers of congealing fat. He'd always felt aroused at Walmart, so marrying Val was a natch. He fed his wife doughnuts and dog shi
ngles and she'd fattened up nicely. She got to a point where she couldn't get out of bed. That's the way I like 'em, completely dependent on me. Wal-Mart didn't quite top that so
I was left questioning how I could resolve the matter. Driven by fear I contacted the Care Bears for advice on caring for obese people but I had lost my car keys and desparately
sought Susan, my neighbor, who (ironically enough) was morbidly obese. I didn't care much for Susan, but needed to get to the Care Bear "Caring for Obese People" seminar. Susan kne
eled by the car and I got on her wobbly back to climb into the car. I'm quite short. I put on the Care Bear 'Caring for Obese People Seminar' tummy symbol - a burger in a heart and
dagger crest. She breathed in qi and I summoned dark matter. She glided into the car with a sigh. Whatever confluence had made her obese also made her fantastic, so I just drove.

Started: 2011-05-23 19:40:16
Finished: 2013-04-23 20:49:02

12 Comments

PurpleProf Apr 23 2013 @ 21:05

The burger in the heart and dagger tummy symbol - LOL!!!! I also appreciate the word "corpulance" from SlimWhitman... and GreenBanana's sad, but accurate connection to Walmart. I wonder what the secret ingredient was...maybe I don't really want to know.
Zetawilk Apr 23 2013 @ 21:19

The secret ingredient for factual accuracy was having worked at Walmart. I'll take unemployment any day.
49erFaithful Apr 24 2013 @ 12:26

Some nice lines here. Agreed, PurpleProf the -burger in a heart and dagger crest - is awesome. Also enjoyed the Desperately Seeking Susan transition which proves a catchy name as I absolutely remember that that was a movie but have zero recollection what it was about. Also, remind me not to play Scrabble with BlastedHeath. At least not for money. Mmm, pass the donuts & dog shi ... ngles.
lucielucie Apr 24 2013 @ 12:34

There's a lot I'd like to know about Val. Did she look fat because she was pregnant? What was the secret ingredient?
49erFaithful Apr 24 2013 @ 12:40

From what I've heard, she gained a ton of weight after a dope dealer convinced her that what he was selling was oregano, which enhanced the flavor of her food. She was constantly stoned and munching but then told people she'd had a baby to deflect criticism about her weight gain. I'm afraid my sources must remain anonymous.
Zetawilk Apr 24 2013 @ 13:15

That shouldn't be too hard--that could be anyone!
49erFaithful Apr 24 2013 @ 13:33

Lol, erudite observation GB. I see you've been paying attention!
Zetawilk Apr 24 2013 @ 13:55

I am? I don't know how I got that impression across.
lucielucie Apr 24 2013 @ 14:02

Oregano huh?
49erFaithful Apr 24 2013 @ 15:33

lucielucie, you should try her lasagna. It's *so* good.
lucielucie Apr 24 2013 @ 16:53

I hear the dope dealer has become a Lifestyle Trainer with the Care Bear Cult.
49erFaithful Apr 24 2013 @ 17:10

Really? I didn't know Ronnie was into the Care Bears. I'll have to ask him about it next time.