For a limited time only! The Turgid Stoat

For a limited time only! The Turgid Stoat 2000 Personal Fortress now includes a flame thrower attachment, water restistance, an AK 47 attachment, night vision, rape whistle,

& shinobi sword. "But wait!" Billy Mays swallowed nervously. "If you order your Turgid Stoat kit in the next 10 minutes, you'll get not 1, but 2..." Turgid Stoat tightened his grip

"Did I say 2? I meant an incredible 4 - count 'em 4 - inflatable baby rompers PLUS the incredible Egg-Wave AND a swimming pool filled with Oxy-Clean!" Turgid Stoat's grip relaxed

on his phone and then the announcer said, "Plus, I will throw in 80 pounds of Slap Chop and Snuggie made from Sham Wow fabric!" Turgid Stoat texted "Winner" to the number that

his mental random integer generator provided. No dice. "Damn it all, I never win these contests!" Perturbed by another defeat, he decided to fix things forever and grabbed a screw

And giant ten-footed screwdriver, so the numbers sequence would go

haywire and cover up all my numerical misdeeds. I shut the mathematics department door and hailed a cab to the airport, where I took the first plane to the Yucatan

where I boarded a slow boat to Borneo. I didn't want to go to Borneo but the ticket seller only spoke Spanish and no matter what i said, she kept thinking I had said Borneo. Some m

ay call me a fool. I didn't want to go to Borneo and I didn't want time to think either. The ancient steam engine chugged listlessly. The capt. shrugged, "it's a slow boat, señor."

"You'll surely sink if you get a hole."