I’m a borderline coulrophobic (person with

I’m a borderline coulrophobic (person with an exaggerated fear of clowns).

but I'm also borderline pedantic (overly concerned with minute details or formalisms, especially in teaching). I was therefore was not looking forward to attending the clown

college reunion. I could barely still apply the white makeup. I was sure to be a laughing stock. Then I had an idea. I would bring the clown car and

fill it with as much Laughing Gas my clown salary could allow. I'll show them who's clowning around, next time they take a ride in my car I'LL be the one getting the last laugh!

a sound that was probably my own inner ear imploding and passed out. The clowns, which in retrospect turned out to be EMTs carried me out of my car and

laid me out on the grass and went to work on my eyeballs with some kind of vibrating spanner. For a brief moment, I could hear 'China in your hands' by T'Pau, before

I passed out. I woke, sputtering. The auto-sprinklers had started and I was soaked. I looked around for my tormenter, rose, wished I wasn't wearing a sheer white dress and

tried to cover myself as best I could with my hands. All 3 nipples were hard as rocks which I think is what attracted the attention of

Hugh Hefner. "Hey there, trippy nippy," he said, with a twinkle in his eye. He was old, but I had always wanted to live in a mansion. We held hands all the way to Holmby Hills.