Strangeness was rampant in Mr. Nucleon's

  • Strangeness was rampant in Mr. Nucleon's house. Boson trees dropped their fruit into the Fermi sea in the garden. Schroedinger's cat winked from its branches. Dark matter

  • filled mason jars that cluttered the shelves. A perpetual motion machine generated heat in the fireplace while Mr. Nucleon's coffee pot brewed the day's first black hole. Stranger

  • than a diaper found on the beach, Mr. Nucleon stroked his bald cat. It had one eye and a giant scar across its back where Mr. Nucleon's

  • Bag of organic honeycrisp apples was carefully put to avoid bruising. The Apple Rebellion ensued and Whole Foods was pitted against organic produce. The produce department rallied

  • the meat department when they flanked the Whole Foods hipsters that had gathered at the olive bar. Forcing them to retreat to the Chips/Crackers aisle where the Meat Dept. finished

  • . Together, they shouted, "Whole Foods is owned by Amazon!" Some of the hipsters chose not to hear it. Others were repulsed and left the store. But the cognitive dissonance was

  • deafening, so most people just stopped in their aisles and stared helplessly as they were jeered at, not knowing what else to do. "Toaster pastries kill babies," said a protester

  • . "Do they sell whole pigs here?", asked another protestor awkwardly. More chimed in: "What are we protesting again?" "What even IS a whole milk?" "Is half-and-half a whole food?"

  • Unexpectedly, a short, fat, bald man in red pajamas, holding a red balloon, yelled, “Is this the Half Wit Protest?” Another protestor spoke out, “Do we need a cause to protest?”

  • Shocked, he let go. The balloon shot up. After a deer-in-headlights moment he said “My balloon!” Pawing air like a cartoon, he swam up, nabbing it. “How the FUCK did I do that?"



  1. LordVacuity May 06 2020 @ 22:15

    Ingrate. Forget the how. Be glad that you did it even if you don't know how you did it.

  2. SlimWhitman May 07 2020 @ 08:47

    I always wanted to do that! and do several halfwits make for some wholesome wit? Apparently they do...

  3. Woab May 07 2020 @ 17:52

    This story is consistently bizarre and I adore it! Tweedle's fold slayed me.

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