I entered my apartment and smelled sulfur.

  • I entered my apartment and smelled sulfur. Satan had been here, and I was willing to bet he was taking Cheryl out right now. I knew I never should have trusted Satan around my girl

  • and now I was paying the price. The Prince of Darkness would laying the wood to my sweet little Cheryl any minute now and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. Unless

  • sprinkling her diaphragm with holy water actually worked. It was a little precaution we took."You never know when Lucifer might tempt you." Cheryl'd said. I watched as He literally

  • interpreted the bible. As a result he faithfully believed that the earth was only 5000 years old and that dinosaur bones were put in the earth by the

  • Lord, who was testing our faith/fucking with us. "Do you believe in dinosaurs?" was heaven's entrance exam; the correct answer was "no." One guy who learned this the hard way was

  • a warlock from the old country, possessed of the notion that, even if he answered incorrectly, his consolation prize would consist of preservation in amber for millions of years.

  • The warlock chewed on his no. 2 pencil. "Lead is to Gold as Mercury is to..." The witchcraft SAT had him stumped, if only he hadn't caroused with those Scottish coven last night.

  • He kept thinking but couldn't reach that desired state of epiphany. "Venus... no chrome.. wait what?!" His internal struggle was making him argue with his ridiculous self.

  • He decided to to put his internal struggle aside for a few minutes and have a Chipwich in Ipswich. That's when he realized all his years of self questioning boiled down to

  • qualms about affiliations. So what if he liked a Sarnath Sarnie now and then? So what if Newcastle tasted too sweet, considering the horrific incident? Unsettled? Well, settled.



  1. SlimWhitman May 23 2012 @ 04:56

    Top quality story from start to finish.

  2. 49erFaithful May 23 2012 @ 10:46

    Yes, well feld.

  3. SlimWhitman Jun 10 2012 @ 08:20

    Wow, this story has passed the infamous bucket list http://foldingstory.com/xdeil/ in the list of all time best stories: http://foldingstory.com/read/highest/

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