The two star crossed lovers raced towards

The two star crossed lovers raced towards each other like freight trains, one having left Southampton at 7.30, and travelling at 90mph, whilst the other travelled at 70mph having

taken a lot of time with their English muffin. The star crossed lovers had plans to meet at a train station. They'd met online at E-Harmony. They'd both totally failed at

finding love on the respective mountains they inhabited. They had yodelling in common, and walking uphill, so their profiles matched. As the steam train chuffed into the station,

the girl broke the silence and asked, "Will you compete in the Yodeling Competition of 2016 with me?" He glanced slyly at me as he walked up the steps to board the train. He said,

"You know I haven't yodeled since...the accident." He said continuing to board the train. The girl grabbed him by the shirtsleeve and said "I need you to compete with me, if you

me, if you know what I mean!" She winked and nodded with stupid grin at him. He hurried into a train compartment and shut the door so fast it closed on his foot.

She barged in. "You've got to be more careful. Are we BFF's now? Let me sit on your lap." He placed his hands on her lowering buttocks and shoved her across the train compartment.

She landed in the lap of his holiness the Dali Llama, ruler of the 14th Cloud Kingdom, wearer of yellow hat's, surveyor of the cudchewing

And became a beautiful tortoiseshell cat, quite diligent about chanting. Her name became Shanti. She had a new permanent home in the Buddhist temple, with the monks and nuns.