Shit! My IRA just tanked, my girlfriend slept

Shit! My IRA just tanked, my girlfriend slept with my father and now my freakin' iphone crapped out. But I was determined not to let these set backs stop me from reaching my

goal of opening my own men's intimate apparel shop called Victor's Secret. I already had 8 members receiving my biweekly catalog and production was ramping up fast. Just yesterday

I finalized the design for erotic socks -- a silk and cotton blend -- that would make any man hard just thinking about them. Success was within

when one had finally conquered the reactive mind. I planned to give as many new pairs of socks to my fellow Scientologists as I could. It was our most special day, which we called

Total K-Martianing. Once everyone had tube socks pulled up to their knees with three bold color rings at the top, then the Scientology and its members could finally

bounce on the couches of fat women dictators to their hearts' content. "Oh yeah, baby, spew your hot, sticky body thetans all over me," said the babalicious SP who had bound the

dictator to a hard wooden chair using twine and tartan duct tape. Then the SP bounced from couch to couch singing his merry song about the fat dictaor's thetans.

"Cretins is more like it", intoned hipster Melody, rolling her eyes. "Tarantino sure has jumped the shark with this blatant Mike Myers rip-off. What's with all the Scottish imagery

, a The Highlander remake, was a Scottish rock musical. When the Kurgan was about to behead Connor & Brenda sang "Hey You Get off of MacLeod" Melody girned "There can be only one!"